Stay Gold- First Aid kit

Stay Gold- First Aid Kit (#3)


It's time to start writing again, I miss it.  My first year out of college has challenged me in ways I never knew were possible and I think I am finally humbled enough to own the fact that I do not have it all together, I have thousands more questions than I did a year ago, and I have struggled more with myself and Jesus this year than I maybe ever have.  After all, a very wise friend does call it "The Dark Year." I have found myself reflecting on this past year and realizing a lot of my sin. Gosh, He has really proved Himself though…when I have been very faithless, He has remained faithful, patient, and loving.  Brendan and I are moving across the country to San Francisco in August, and this process is forcing us to rely on Him to lead us and provide for us in deep, vulnerable ways.  Sometimes my teeth are clenched and I'm debilitated by anxiety, and sometimes I am confident and aware of His promises- it kind of depends on the week, or even the day. Haha I used to think I was so strong and steady...funny.

Brendan and I have been listening to First Aid Kit's new album pretty much on repeat for a few weeks now, and this song is one of our favorites.  I have found a lot of freedom in it. The questions are real, the music is honest.

The sun shone high those few summer days
Left us in a soft, wide-eyed haze
It shone like gold
It shone like gold

But just as the moon it shines straight
So dawn goes down today
No gold can stay
No gold can stay

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

We're on our way through rugged land
Top of that mountain we wanted to stand
With hearts of gold
With hearts of gold

But there is only forward, no other way
Tomorrow was your hope at the end of the day
And gold turns gray
And gold turns gray

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

I am scared of questions. I admire people who are humble enough to ask questions and be hungry to learn something new; my pride prefers to always know the answers rather than ask the questions- it's an ugly characteristic.  I think that is changing though.  I am learning the hard way that questions are important and necessary in life- they keep us moving and hoping, they save us from boredom, protect us from pride.  Especially in this season of life- after four years of busyness and adventures in college, navigating engagement and new marriage, learning how hard it is to be away from friends, applying for jobs and figuring out how to move across the country and contemplating all the uncertainties of our future...all I have are questions.  "What if our hard work ends in despair? What if the road won't take me there?"  I know I'm not the first person to ask these questions and I know people who's hard work has indeed led them to despair and the roads they've taken have not taken them to their goal destination.  It's painful and so confusing trying to listen for the answers to these questions.  They most often lead to more questions…deep, core shaking questions about who God is:

Are you really, truly good?

Do you really, truly keep your promises?

Am I really, truly your child whom you love and are pleased with?

Do you really, truly have the best plan?

Are you sure you don't need my help figuring this one out?…Can I really, truly trust You?

2 Corinthians 1:19-22 

For the son of God, Jesus Christ…is not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes.  For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.  That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.  And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.

I have found that my only hope is God's faithfulness to his promises…the answer to all of those scary questions is YES. He is always good, always faithful, always pleased with us, always purposeful, and always worthy of our trust.  Even if we don't get the jobs we want or if we do, even if we are poor or have tons of money, even if we are alone or have friends close by.  I have only been alive for 23 years and am just at the tip of the ice burg for experiencing adventure, heart ache, tragedy, and joy.  But I have gone through enough to know that to love and be loved by my Abba IS enough, and that every single time I have fallen, whether a little trip or a sky scraper toppling, He has gotten me up. Even after a life changing fall, it's not the end.  He keeps moving us to redemption.

And there really is no other way but forward- through the hazy, blue Appalachians and the rigid, snow capped Rockies where we'll get to see beautiful views and enjoy the cool breeze at their peaks and look around and know that we are small and that the world is calm and beautiful.  And through the valleys of the flat, boring MidWest where life seems joyless and mundane.  And through the storms, the pelting rain when we can't see but two feet in front of us and can't hear anything outside of our own fear, and have no choice but to brace ourselves and keep going.  We have to move forward, through the easy and the hard terrains, through all the changing seasons.  I am learning that change is good for us, a gift from God, used by Him to pull us into Himself.  He's a God who never changes, completely contrasting the chaotic world around us.  Experiencing His constance through my ever-changing situations, emotions, and experiences even just this year is making me fall that much more in love with Him, so I am grateful for change.

Jesus is pretty blunt with us about what to expect in this world…trouble, heartache, confusion, frustration (John 16:33, 14:27).  But He is also very honest about the fact that we can trust Him.  He has overcome the world, so why should we fear anything people or circumstances in this life can do to us (Luke 12:4-7)? Not only has He made all of our fear of the world obsolete, but He also promises us full life, joy and peace with Him in the next (John 10:10, Romans 8)!  So, no matter what fear I am stuck in, what confusion holds me back, whatever happens in this life, I will cling to His promises and trust Him when He says that He will never leave me or forsake me.  There is more than enough grace for now in what we are promised for later.  We will shine like gold with Him forever, we will stay gold!  

Lights- Ellie Goulding

Lights (Acoustic)- Ellie Goulding

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now, and I'd been brewing up a blog about it.  Finally as I sit down to write it and look up the song on youtube I find THIS...oh my goodness, I love it even more!  I like her, she's got some soul.  And she's a little awkward, which I like too.  In the vast, ever growing realm of good music, this is just beautiful to me in a very unique way.  Here are the words:

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still be there
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

I am writing this post mostly for myself, because this battle is one that I struggle with so often.  I want to be able to come back to read this and be reminded of the Light that keeps me awake, alive, full.  I am tempted all the time to listen to my flesh and the world around me, "Don't care, don't hunger, don't love- it might cost you something...it's easier to just not be awake, to go through the motions of living without investing, risking, seeking."  I hate those days, I call them Zombie Days, where I'm just moving to get through the day.  I can't see past myself, all I see are my failures, how unlovable I am, the world around me moves in slow motion and I get sucked into thinking the world slowly and painfully revolves around ME.  Oh, I pray so hard against Zombie Days, against apathy and disinterest in Life.  

Watch the video a couple times; I've noticed a few different things each time.  I think my favorite part starts at 2:11; she looks up with this frustrated tension in her face and body, as if she were screaming it, fighting being thankful to Whoever for "showing the light, keeping her from stone, calling her home."  It's humbling to be woken up; usually not pleasant.  But it's good and necessary to enter into our daily life, our Life in Christ as well.  How often I find myself selfishly falling asleep (like the disciples in the Garden multiple times), but my desire is to be awake to the Light.  

Psalm 89:15 Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, oh Lord.

How could I ever choose to not live in this blessing?  Do I really still choose to acclaim myself over the Sovereign Lord? Oh Lord, forgive me, awake my soul to your constant presence, the goodness and warmth of your Light!

Colossians 1:10-14 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.  For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

I think the song is a clear reflection of that, and so accurately describes me: I was once the queen of my life, but, by His amazing grace, I have been overthrown and lovingly brought into His kingdom, the kingdom of Redemption and Life.  I try all the time to muster up the strength I need to push me, instead I just end up filling myself with dumb worldly ethics and lies.  His Spirit is the One who gives me strength and propels me to live, persevere, and joyfully give thanks for the good AND the bad, which He created with the same tender care and purpose (Eccl.7:14).  When I fall into thinking that I'm alone, the only one who struggles, the only one who doesn't feel good enough, the only one who misses anyone, He so faithfully shows me His light.  He shines it on Himself, and I am humbled and joyfully in awe of Him and His Word.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He is faithful to His promises.  I am so grateful for the Light that calls me home.  My home is in His arms, along with my brothers and sisters, along with Jesus, our Beloved Christ.

Embrace the Light, Al.  Be awake to His grace that is today.  Dare to love people at the highest costs, be in awe of the creative expressions of His goodness around you, forgive yourself and your enemies. It is Real and worth everything.  It is His gift to you, His Beloved.

Beloved- Derek Webb

Unfortunately this song is nowhere to be found online for you to listen to...so you'll just have to buy it! Buy the whole album while you're at it, it's top notch.

I remember the first time I heard this song.  It was on the bus coming back from Windy Gap after my junior year of high school.  I was coming back to Chesapeake a new person with a new heart from my freshly realized Savior.  Eric said I had to listen to this and sing it.  I fell in love with it- the lyrics, the passion and depth in the music.  The opening chord always makes my heart skip a little beat.

Beloved, these are dangerous times because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine, and the wind has blown you all over town because there is nothing holding you to the ground. So now you would rather be a slave again than free from the law? 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me... 

Beloved, these are perilous days when your culture is so set in it’s ways that you will listen to salesmen and thieves preaching other than the truth you’ve received.

Because they are telling lies for they cannot circumcise your hearts. 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me...

Beloved there is nothing more; no more blessings and no more rewards than the treasure of my body and blood given freely to all daughters and sons.

This is my go-to song.  More often then not, when I feel empty and alone and exhausted on life, I go to scripture, prayer, and then this song.  I've been there a lot in the past few months.  Looking back on April and May, I think that was the most I have ever been stretched.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Recital, exams, weakness, traveling, Mimi passing away, waiting, new job, decisions, discipleship, break up.  Seeing it listed like that is humbling...the wind has indeed blown me all over town.  And I do not think it's nearly over...only a fresh starting point.  A tense one, yes, but nothing less than a new opportunity to live into and further discover the God who loves me and is infinitely rich in grace.  I genuinely, sadly wonder how people do it without Jesus.  Life, I suppose. I will give mine to letting people know that they don't have to...also that they can't.


I read a letter Libby wrote to new mothers for Mother's Day and have been captivated and so refreshed by this one line: "...do not miss the joy in being pressed to the core of who you are."  The core of who I am...do I really want to know?  We all are fairly good at living in that facade that we so carefully manicure so that everyone will think we're fine and everything is good and dandy.  No one buys it anyway.  I am no different, on either end.  The masking or the seeing right through it, I shamefully do both.  I am prideful, weak, stubborn, and selfish inside; until I remember...although my flesh might drive some of those attributes and attitudes, that is not who I am anymore.  My core is both who I am and whose I am.  I am the Beloved daughter of the Creator and Sustainer and Propeller of all things for His glory and my good.  Gosh, it feels good when I just let that sink in for a minute.  

Colossians 3:4  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

That is the only reason there is any joy in being pressed.  Because at my core, by grace, there is glory.  Not because of anything right or wrong I do, but because "I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine," and I believe that all that He asks, His grace will provide.  Still.  Is it hard to get out of bed? Yes.  Is it exhausting trying to do everything and love everyone? Yes.  Do I fail? YES.  But I refuse to miss that joy or the hope I have in the One who loves me and lives in me, who meets me where I am and walks through the valleys and the mountain tops propelling me and encouraging me to be awake and know the joy and suffering with Him.  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed," because of the Cross and because the Holy Spirit is in us and because we have a Father who loves us enough to grow us and discipline us as His beloved children.  


This song is life-giving.  It so sweetly strips everything down to what matters, let's us see our distractions and what we give ourselves to.  Either Jesus or everything else.  It gently but sternly brings to mind the thieves and salesmen that we attempt to buy joy from, and the fact that we act like we are under the Law when really we are under grace, the Law of Freedom.  The last stanza is the best.  To people who do not believe on Jesus, it sounds like a let down.  "The body and blood of Jesus? But I want wealth and health and life."  But to those whose hearts have been gracefully transformed by the Gospel, it is the most freeing and life-giving treasure we can know.  In the midst of struggling and suffering, joy and laughter, do I cherish Him?  Do I acknowledge Him Lord of my life, sovereign over the good and the bad?  Do I live into my Chosenness (as Nouwen calls it) and give thanks in all circumstances?  I long for this sanctification, the further knowledge of the purity which has already been washed over me in the blood of Christ.  He gives and He takes away, He does whatever pleases Him, everything is by Him, through Him, and for  Him...and He loves us.  Beloved, listen to me...

To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens

To be Alone with You- Sufjan, youtube

This song has been on my list to write a post on for a long time.  It's time...I'm excited.  As usual, everything has been crazy this semester.  Lot's of changes, new things to get used to, and now it's almost over.  This is the official first mention of Chris on the blog...so that's exciting ;)  He is wonderful. As we know, he is not the first "Chris" I have dated, but he is the first one to actually embody his name- "Christ bearer," and that changes everything.  Our relationship has been an outlet the Lord has used so significantly to teach me and humble me the last few months, and in the midst of getting to know Chris and who he is and figuring out long distance, etc, I have just fallen so much more in love with Jesus.  There is such sweet grace and redemption Chris and my relationship, and we are learning what this gift is we have been given.  Neither of us deserve this grace, but we are working to honor and love the Lord in every aspect we can, mostly separately, but together too.  It's strange to be led so well, and to be cared for and sought after.  It's refreshing and life-giving. So thank you, Chris.

The past week or so has been especially humbling, a lot of extremes.  I have been so confused and so heart broken over people I love, over my inability to control everything around me, especially the future, over my sin and how it affects my attitude and how I seek Jesus, over my past and how it effects Chris and my relationship...there's so much to consider, and somehow last week was when the Lord wanted to address it all.  Within all this confrontation and learning, I have wept (finally a good cry or two, I need those) and had anxious butterflies, but also have had inexplicable joy and freedom.  Out of struggling and suffering, I have been graced to fellowship ever so sweetly with Jesus and have been molded by Him a little more.  And that is where my joy comes from, that is what gives me life and motivation and courage.  I love His discipline and am grateful that He loves me as His daughter, He wants to see me grow and mature and persevere.  

He's taught me so much about trusting Him--not only will everything be fine in the end, His glory and my good will be achieved, but in the very middle of what is going on, we have the grace to trust Him and be with Him IN it.  And to face adversity with bravery that comes from that trust.  I am learning to not run away from my sin or make little laws for myself to avoid the discomfort of mastering my sin, but instead, getting to know it and how it plays itself out in me, that I may more gracefully and adamantly sacrifice it.  How can we leave our burdens at the cross if we act like we have control of them, or act like they're not there?  How can we make much of Jesus and His sufficient work if we keep attempting to do the work ourselves (and failing quite miserably, nonetheless)?  He must increase, I must decrease, that's all I want.

So this song.  I mean it's just Real.  In my busyness and desire to be with Him but refusal to put aside this world, He gently brings me to my knees, to the foot of the Cross, to be alone with me.  There is so much more joy to be had, so much more depth in His love than I dare to find out myself.  But He is giving me courage to seek it, to actually believe in His promises and expectantly await His faithfulness.  I absolutely do not deserve His love, and selfishly I sometimes resent the fact that He gave everything for me because I don't feel like I'm worth it, but I trust Him and I believe Him when He shows me how valuable I am to Him.  What sweet grace.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson (youtube)

This song has been stuck in my head the last few days.  It is so pure.  I love it, I love to sing it in my car.  It has grown this deep contentment and gladness in my heart for a certain love.  In the past, I would generally associate this song with a boyfriend or whoever, but it is not that anymore.  I used to give my whole life for those relationships, the ones that ate me alive and were so exhausting and never filling.  Now there is the sweetest redemption; the only One I will ever say 'take my whole life' to is Christ.  I smile typing that.  I love that He is my whole life (Colossians 3:4), that He has my heart and is shaping my thoughts, my personality, and my actions to fall more in love with Him, and to even draw others to know love with Him.  What amazing grace!  When I read the Word and see Him work everywhere around me and in me, I can't help falling in love with Him.  I love that it is nothing in me, nothing that I have done, am doing, or ever will do.  My eyes have been infinitely blessed (Luke 10:23).  'Wise men say only fools rush in,' but I cannot help but give my whole self to Him, anything less would be unloving...hateful. 'Like a river runs surely to the sea, darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be,' so perfectly speaks of His sovereignty and how He has chosen us.  It was set before I ever even realized I was empty and dead in my sin, that I would be His for eternity and freely given grace and love through His son (Ephesians 1:4-6).  There is so much going on in my life, but that's all I want to say right now.  I am just full of joy in falling in love with Jesus.

Paradise- Coldplay

Paradise- Coldplay (youtube)


I am done with this semester, and I just drove home to #sweetsweetchesapeake.  I have never done this before: I listened to the same song on repeat for the whole ride home (two hours)! Kinda weird, I know...but ScottyBug and I were jammin!  This song is that good though.  I danced in my living room to it last night, can't contain myself when I hear it! I'm ridiculous =D  But seriously, I love this song because it is so Real.  I can't help thinking about Jesus when I hear it, I am literally filled with joy.  It makes me think of the first half of 2 Corinthians 5, Our Heavenly Dwelling--

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to  be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I  love the end...what is to come.  What we chosen ones have to look forward to is Paradise, forever with our Lord Jesus.  I can't think of this without smiling, without longing for it in my soul.  The beauty of dreaming about paradise is that we may also know that it starts now, with our relationship with Christ.  What grace that we are not only promised this joy, but can know even a taste of it now, every second of every day we can be awake in the Holy Spirit, to have life to the full, both now and forevermore!

I went to lunches at Conley today, and when I left right after to go home to Chesapeake I missed it. I missed the people, the sweet sweet girls I have gotten to know, and especially the ones I hardly know. I am sad to leave them for three weeks.  It has blessed me so much this semester to share glimpses of Paradise with these girls--whether just sitting at lunch with them once or twice a week, or crying with them, or laughing hysterically together, and faithfully through our Bible study every week.  I want nothing more than to encourage them to chase Paradise--not because it's going to be unimaginably wonderful (which it will be), with no more drama, no more tears, no more divorce, no more pressure to be someone you're not, no more lies, no more heartbreak, none of that...but because Jesus will be everything, the only thing.

This song reminds me of my girls.  They make me smile and bring me so much joy.  But I hate the things they go through.  I hated it in high school, and I hate it in a different way now watching these girls I love so much wander to find out who they are, what they are about, and the heart ache that comes along with that.  It's good and necessary, but so painful.  Instead of dreaming about their boyfriends/ex-boyfriends who suck, or the new pair of Uggs that they have to have, or what they're going to do that weekend, I want to encourage them to dream of Paradise and to know the joy that is only found there, in Christ!  Oh Lord, please set Paradise, our Lover and Savior, your Son Jesus, in our hearts and minds and deep in our souls!

Psalm 27: 4  One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of Yahweh and to seek Him in His temple.

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash (youtube)

Two weekends ago Pitt County went to Windy Gap for our fall weekend.  It was unreal.  The beautiful valley that holds Windy Gap was bursting with color and hope.  I was nervous; I had never taken girls to camp that I already knew and somewhat had relationships with.  I felt like I was going on a first date with someone I really liked...a strange reference, I know.  But here these girls have been coming to Bible study every week, I was beginning the scratch the surface of who they are, what they're going through, what they're desires are and then to see their excitement for camp, I was just anxious!  My hopes were so high, I prayed and prayed and prayed constantly the week before.  I prayed that the Lord would show them their brokenness, their desperate need for His saving grace, for them to be Real with me and each other, for them to experience the joy that only He is able to bring, for them to realize that only He can fill that place inside of us that we are always trying to fill.  My hope was in the Lord, I knew I would not be put to shame (Romans 5:3) Oh goodness, the Lord is so faithful.

Twelve junior girls from Conley came, most of them I knew well, others I hardly knew at all.  I cannot say how life-giving it was to lead them that weekend, to see their hearts and to see Christ working in their lives.  We heard Jesus' Gospel together, we saw Truth together, we froze playing field games together (it snowed!!), we danced and sang at club together, we ate famous YL camp food together, we laughed (a lot!) together, we cried and were Real together, we were even silent together, literally speechless at Jesus' grace on the cross.  Together.  I shared my testimony with them, the story of how my empty, broken life has been redeemed and I have been given a new heart by our Creator.  Our stories cross in so many ways.  We all knew that the Lord did that on purpose.  It's funny how I went there to lead them and speak life into them and this and that, but I have never been so affirmed in my life.  For these sweet girls to explain how they see Christ in me was the most life-giving thing. I could go on and on...I absolutely fell in love with these girls that weekend.  And so much more in love with Christ.

Conley Country...knock outs (our teeth I mean)

Oh goodness I love this girl

Wesley, Taylor, Jordan, Emily, Linsay, Allie, Lucy, Katelyn, Molly, Lydia, Kristin, and Alex

Let's do this, I love you girls

Sweet Conley family, old and new

I know that the grace and the freedom we found that weekend was one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received, all from our Lord Jesus who loves us.  My prayer is that we continue to live life together here in Greenville, I pray that they're hearts are drawn to Jesus through His Word, through each other, through church, through me.  I try to be authentic and genuine with them, I try to cast vision for them, I pray for them, I do things with them, I talk to them, I think about them.  But the most humbling and freeing thing I realized at camp was that they are His, not mine.  I can be the best leader ever, but all my efforts are in vain if Jesus did not die on the cross for His children and if He does not call them Himself.  My hope and my energy is found in that, in His sovereignty, in the hopes that they would not rely on me or themselves or anyone else, only Him.  I pray that they go to Him to uncover their new hearts...stone by stone.