To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens

To be Alone with You- Sufjan, youtube

This song has been on my list to write a post on for a long time.  It's time...I'm excited.  As usual, everything has been crazy this semester.  Lot's of changes, new things to get used to, and now it's almost over.  This is the official first mention of Chris on the blog...so that's exciting ;)  He is wonderful. As we know, he is not the first "Chris" I have dated, but he is the first one to actually embody his name- "Christ bearer," and that changes everything.  Our relationship has been an outlet the Lord has used so significantly to teach me and humble me the last few months, and in the midst of getting to know Chris and who he is and figuring out long distance, etc, I have just fallen so much more in love with Jesus.  There is such sweet grace and redemption Chris and my relationship, and we are learning what this gift is we have been given.  Neither of us deserve this grace, but we are working to honor and love the Lord in every aspect we can, mostly separately, but together too.  It's strange to be led so well, and to be cared for and sought after.  It's refreshing and life-giving. So thank you, Chris.

The past week or so has been especially humbling, a lot of extremes.  I have been so confused and so heart broken over people I love, over my inability to control everything around me, especially the future, over my sin and how it affects my attitude and how I seek Jesus, over my past and how it effects Chris and my relationship...there's so much to consider, and somehow last week was when the Lord wanted to address it all.  Within all this confrontation and learning, I have wept (finally a good cry or two, I need those) and had anxious butterflies, but also have had inexplicable joy and freedom.  Out of struggling and suffering, I have been graced to fellowship ever so sweetly with Jesus and have been molded by Him a little more.  And that is where my joy comes from, that is what gives me life and motivation and courage.  I love His discipline and am grateful that He loves me as His daughter, He wants to see me grow and mature and persevere.  

He's taught me so much about trusting Him--not only will everything be fine in the end, His glory and my good will be achieved, but in the very middle of what is going on, we have the grace to trust Him and be with Him IN it.  And to face adversity with bravery that comes from that trust.  I am learning to not run away from my sin or make little laws for myself to avoid the discomfort of mastering my sin, but instead, getting to know it and how it plays itself out in me, that I may more gracefully and adamantly sacrifice it.  How can we leave our burdens at the cross if we act like we have control of them, or act like they're not there?  How can we make much of Jesus and His sufficient work if we keep attempting to do the work ourselves (and failing quite miserably, nonetheless)?  He must increase, I must decrease, that's all I want.

So this song.  I mean it's just Real.  In my busyness and desire to be with Him but refusal to put aside this world, He gently brings me to my knees, to the foot of the Cross, to be alone with me.  There is so much more joy to be had, so much more depth in His love than I dare to find out myself.  But He is giving me courage to seek it, to actually believe in His promises and expectantly await His faithfulness.  I absolutely do not deserve His love, and selfishly I sometimes resent the fact that He gave everything for me because I don't feel like I'm worth it, but I trust Him and I believe Him when He shows me how valuable I am to Him.  What sweet grace.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me