Stay Gold- First Aid kit

Stay Gold- First Aid Kit (#3)


It's time to start writing again, I miss it.  My first year out of college has challenged me in ways I never knew were possible and I think I am finally humbled enough to own the fact that I do not have it all together, I have thousands more questions than I did a year ago, and I have struggled more with myself and Jesus this year than I maybe ever have.  After all, a very wise friend does call it "The Dark Year." I have found myself reflecting on this past year and realizing a lot of my sin. Gosh, He has really proved Himself though…when I have been very faithless, He has remained faithful, patient, and loving.  Brendan and I are moving across the country to San Francisco in August, and this process is forcing us to rely on Him to lead us and provide for us in deep, vulnerable ways.  Sometimes my teeth are clenched and I'm debilitated by anxiety, and sometimes I am confident and aware of His promises- it kind of depends on the week, or even the day. Haha I used to think I was so strong and steady...funny.

Brendan and I have been listening to First Aid Kit's new album pretty much on repeat for a few weeks now, and this song is one of our favorites.  I have found a lot of freedom in it. The questions are real, the music is honest.

The sun shone high those few summer days
Left us in a soft, wide-eyed haze
It shone like gold
It shone like gold

But just as the moon it shines straight
So dawn goes down today
No gold can stay
No gold can stay

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

We're on our way through rugged land
Top of that mountain we wanted to stand
With hearts of gold
With hearts of gold

But there is only forward, no other way
Tomorrow was your hope at the end of the day
And gold turns gray
And gold turns gray

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

I am scared of questions. I admire people who are humble enough to ask questions and be hungry to learn something new; my pride prefers to always know the answers rather than ask the questions- it's an ugly characteristic.  I think that is changing though.  I am learning the hard way that questions are important and necessary in life- they keep us moving and hoping, they save us from boredom, protect us from pride.  Especially in this season of life- after four years of busyness and adventures in college, navigating engagement and new marriage, learning how hard it is to be away from friends, applying for jobs and figuring out how to move across the country and contemplating all the uncertainties of our future...all I have are questions.  "What if our hard work ends in despair? What if the road won't take me there?"  I know I'm not the first person to ask these questions and I know people who's hard work has indeed led them to despair and the roads they've taken have not taken them to their goal destination.  It's painful and so confusing trying to listen for the answers to these questions.  They most often lead to more questions…deep, core shaking questions about who God is:

Are you really, truly good?

Do you really, truly keep your promises?

Am I really, truly your child whom you love and are pleased with?

Do you really, truly have the best plan?

Are you sure you don't need my help figuring this one out?…Can I really, truly trust You?

2 Corinthians 1:19-22 

For the son of God, Jesus Christ…is not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes.  For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.  That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.  And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.

I have found that my only hope is God's faithfulness to his promises…the answer to all of those scary questions is YES. He is always good, always faithful, always pleased with us, always purposeful, and always worthy of our trust.  Even if we don't get the jobs we want or if we do, even if we are poor or have tons of money, even if we are alone or have friends close by.  I have only been alive for 23 years and am just at the tip of the ice burg for experiencing adventure, heart ache, tragedy, and joy.  But I have gone through enough to know that to love and be loved by my Abba IS enough, and that every single time I have fallen, whether a little trip or a sky scraper toppling, He has gotten me up. Even after a life changing fall, it's not the end.  He keeps moving us to redemption.

And there really is no other way but forward- through the hazy, blue Appalachians and the rigid, snow capped Rockies where we'll get to see beautiful views and enjoy the cool breeze at their peaks and look around and know that we are small and that the world is calm and beautiful.  And through the valleys of the flat, boring MidWest where life seems joyless and mundane.  And through the storms, the pelting rain when we can't see but two feet in front of us and can't hear anything outside of our own fear, and have no choice but to brace ourselves and keep going.  We have to move forward, through the easy and the hard terrains, through all the changing seasons.  I am learning that change is good for us, a gift from God, used by Him to pull us into Himself.  He's a God who never changes, completely contrasting the chaotic world around us.  Experiencing His constance through my ever-changing situations, emotions, and experiences even just this year is making me fall that much more in love with Him, so I am grateful for change.

Jesus is pretty blunt with us about what to expect in this world…trouble, heartache, confusion, frustration (John 16:33, 14:27).  But He is also very honest about the fact that we can trust Him.  He has overcome the world, so why should we fear anything people or circumstances in this life can do to us (Luke 12:4-7)? Not only has He made all of our fear of the world obsolete, but He also promises us full life, joy and peace with Him in the next (John 10:10, Romans 8)!  So, no matter what fear I am stuck in, what confusion holds me back, whatever happens in this life, I will cling to His promises and trust Him when He says that He will never leave me or forsake me.  There is more than enough grace for now in what we are promised for later.  We will shine like gold with Him forever, we will stay gold!  

Lights- Ellie Goulding

Lights (Acoustic)- Ellie Goulding

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now, and I'd been brewing up a blog about it.  Finally as I sit down to write it and look up the song on youtube I find THIS...oh my goodness, I love it even more!  I like her, she's got some soul.  And she's a little awkward, which I like too.  In the vast, ever growing realm of good music, this is just beautiful to me in a very unique way.  Here are the words:

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still be there
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

I am writing this post mostly for myself, because this battle is one that I struggle with so often.  I want to be able to come back to read this and be reminded of the Light that keeps me awake, alive, full.  I am tempted all the time to listen to my flesh and the world around me, "Don't care, don't hunger, don't love- it might cost you something...it's easier to just not be awake, to go through the motions of living without investing, risking, seeking."  I hate those days, I call them Zombie Days, where I'm just moving to get through the day.  I can't see past myself, all I see are my failures, how unlovable I am, the world around me moves in slow motion and I get sucked into thinking the world slowly and painfully revolves around ME.  Oh, I pray so hard against Zombie Days, against apathy and disinterest in Life.  

Watch the video a couple times; I've noticed a few different things each time.  I think my favorite part starts at 2:11; she looks up with this frustrated tension in her face and body, as if she were screaming it, fighting being thankful to Whoever for "showing the light, keeping her from stone, calling her home."  It's humbling to be woken up; usually not pleasant.  But it's good and necessary to enter into our daily life, our Life in Christ as well.  How often I find myself selfishly falling asleep (like the disciples in the Garden multiple times), but my desire is to be awake to the Light.  

Psalm 89:15 Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, oh Lord.

How could I ever choose to not live in this blessing?  Do I really still choose to acclaim myself over the Sovereign Lord? Oh Lord, forgive me, awake my soul to your constant presence, the goodness and warmth of your Light!

Colossians 1:10-14 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.  For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

I think the song is a clear reflection of that, and so accurately describes me: I was once the queen of my life, but, by His amazing grace, I have been overthrown and lovingly brought into His kingdom, the kingdom of Redemption and Life.  I try all the time to muster up the strength I need to push me, instead I just end up filling myself with dumb worldly ethics and lies.  His Spirit is the One who gives me strength and propels me to live, persevere, and joyfully give thanks for the good AND the bad, which He created with the same tender care and purpose (Eccl.7:14).  When I fall into thinking that I'm alone, the only one who struggles, the only one who doesn't feel good enough, the only one who misses anyone, He so faithfully shows me His light.  He shines it on Himself, and I am humbled and joyfully in awe of Him and His Word.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He is faithful to His promises.  I am so grateful for the Light that calls me home.  My home is in His arms, along with my brothers and sisters, along with Jesus, our Beloved Christ.

Embrace the Light, Al.  Be awake to His grace that is today.  Dare to love people at the highest costs, be in awe of the creative expressions of His goodness around you, forgive yourself and your enemies. It is Real and worth everything.  It is His gift to you, His Beloved.

Beloved- Derek Webb

Unfortunately this song is nowhere to be found online for you to listen to...so you'll just have to buy it! Buy the whole album while you're at it, it's top notch.

I remember the first time I heard this song.  It was on the bus coming back from Windy Gap after my junior year of high school.  I was coming back to Chesapeake a new person with a new heart from my freshly realized Savior.  Eric said I had to listen to this and sing it.  I fell in love with it- the lyrics, the passion and depth in the music.  The opening chord always makes my heart skip a little beat.

Beloved, these are dangerous times because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine, and the wind has blown you all over town because there is nothing holding you to the ground. So now you would rather be a slave again than free from the law? 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me... 

Beloved, these are perilous days when your culture is so set in it’s ways that you will listen to salesmen and thieves preaching other than the truth you’ve received.

Because they are telling lies for they cannot circumcise your hearts. 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me...

Beloved there is nothing more; no more blessings and no more rewards than the treasure of my body and blood given freely to all daughters and sons.

This is my go-to song.  More often then not, when I feel empty and alone and exhausted on life, I go to scripture, prayer, and then this song.  I've been there a lot in the past few months.  Looking back on April and May, I think that was the most I have ever been stretched.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Recital, exams, weakness, traveling, Mimi passing away, waiting, new job, decisions, discipleship, break up.  Seeing it listed like that is humbling...the wind has indeed blown me all over town.  And I do not think it's nearly over...only a fresh starting point.  A tense one, yes, but nothing less than a new opportunity to live into and further discover the God who loves me and is infinitely rich in grace.  I genuinely, sadly wonder how people do it without Jesus.  Life, I suppose. I will give mine to letting people know that they don't have to...also that they can't.


I read a letter Libby wrote to new mothers for Mother's Day and have been captivated and so refreshed by this one line: "...do not miss the joy in being pressed to the core of who you are."  The core of who I am...do I really want to know?  We all are fairly good at living in that facade that we so carefully manicure so that everyone will think we're fine and everything is good and dandy.  No one buys it anyway.  I am no different, on either end.  The masking or the seeing right through it, I shamefully do both.  I am prideful, weak, stubborn, and selfish inside; until I remember...although my flesh might drive some of those attributes and attitudes, that is not who I am anymore.  My core is both who I am and whose I am.  I am the Beloved daughter of the Creator and Sustainer and Propeller of all things for His glory and my good.  Gosh, it feels good when I just let that sink in for a minute.  

Colossians 3:4  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

That is the only reason there is any joy in being pressed.  Because at my core, by grace, there is glory.  Not because of anything right or wrong I do, but because "I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine," and I believe that all that He asks, His grace will provide.  Still.  Is it hard to get out of bed? Yes.  Is it exhausting trying to do everything and love everyone? Yes.  Do I fail? YES.  But I refuse to miss that joy or the hope I have in the One who loves me and lives in me, who meets me where I am and walks through the valleys and the mountain tops propelling me and encouraging me to be awake and know the joy and suffering with Him.  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed," because of the Cross and because the Holy Spirit is in us and because we have a Father who loves us enough to grow us and discipline us as His beloved children.  


This song is life-giving.  It so sweetly strips everything down to what matters, let's us see our distractions and what we give ourselves to.  Either Jesus or everything else.  It gently but sternly brings to mind the thieves and salesmen that we attempt to buy joy from, and the fact that we act like we are under the Law when really we are under grace, the Law of Freedom.  The last stanza is the best.  To people who do not believe on Jesus, it sounds like a let down.  "The body and blood of Jesus? But I want wealth and health and life."  But to those whose hearts have been gracefully transformed by the Gospel, it is the most freeing and life-giving treasure we can know.  In the midst of struggling and suffering, joy and laughter, do I cherish Him?  Do I acknowledge Him Lord of my life, sovereign over the good and the bad?  Do I live into my Chosenness (as Nouwen calls it) and give thanks in all circumstances?  I long for this sanctification, the further knowledge of the purity which has already been washed over me in the blood of Christ.  He gives and He takes away, He does whatever pleases Him, everything is by Him, through Him, and for  Him...and He loves us.  Beloved, listen to me...

To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens

To be Alone with You- Sufjan, youtube

This song has been on my list to write a post on for a long time.  It's time...I'm excited.  As usual, everything has been crazy this semester.  Lot's of changes, new things to get used to, and now it's almost over.  This is the official first mention of Chris on the blog...so that's exciting ;)  He is wonderful. As we know, he is not the first "Chris" I have dated, but he is the first one to actually embody his name- "Christ bearer," and that changes everything.  Our relationship has been an outlet the Lord has used so significantly to teach me and humble me the last few months, and in the midst of getting to know Chris and who he is and figuring out long distance, etc, I have just fallen so much more in love with Jesus.  There is such sweet grace and redemption Chris and my relationship, and we are learning what this gift is we have been given.  Neither of us deserve this grace, but we are working to honor and love the Lord in every aspect we can, mostly separately, but together too.  It's strange to be led so well, and to be cared for and sought after.  It's refreshing and life-giving. So thank you, Chris.

The past week or so has been especially humbling, a lot of extremes.  I have been so confused and so heart broken over people I love, over my inability to control everything around me, especially the future, over my sin and how it affects my attitude and how I seek Jesus, over my past and how it effects Chris and my relationship...there's so much to consider, and somehow last week was when the Lord wanted to address it all.  Within all this confrontation and learning, I have wept (finally a good cry or two, I need those) and had anxious butterflies, but also have had inexplicable joy and freedom.  Out of struggling and suffering, I have been graced to fellowship ever so sweetly with Jesus and have been molded by Him a little more.  And that is where my joy comes from, that is what gives me life and motivation and courage.  I love His discipline and am grateful that He loves me as His daughter, He wants to see me grow and mature and persevere.  

He's taught me so much about trusting Him--not only will everything be fine in the end, His glory and my good will be achieved, but in the very middle of what is going on, we have the grace to trust Him and be with Him IN it.  And to face adversity with bravery that comes from that trust.  I am learning to not run away from my sin or make little laws for myself to avoid the discomfort of mastering my sin, but instead, getting to know it and how it plays itself out in me, that I may more gracefully and adamantly sacrifice it.  How can we leave our burdens at the cross if we act like we have control of them, or act like they're not there?  How can we make much of Jesus and His sufficient work if we keep attempting to do the work ourselves (and failing quite miserably, nonetheless)?  He must increase, I must decrease, that's all I want.

So this song.  I mean it's just Real.  In my busyness and desire to be with Him but refusal to put aside this world, He gently brings me to my knees, to the foot of the Cross, to be alone with me.  There is so much more joy to be had, so much more depth in His love than I dare to find out myself.  But He is giving me courage to seek it, to actually believe in His promises and expectantly await His faithfulness.  I absolutely do not deserve His love, and selfishly I sometimes resent the fact that He gave everything for me because I don't feel like I'm worth it, but I trust Him and I believe Him when He shows me how valuable I am to Him.  What sweet grace.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson (youtube)

This song has been stuck in my head the last few days.  It is so pure.  I love it, I love to sing it in my car.  It has grown this deep contentment and gladness in my heart for a certain love.  In the past, I would generally associate this song with a boyfriend or whoever, but it is not that anymore.  I used to give my whole life for those relationships, the ones that ate me alive and were so exhausting and never filling.  Now there is the sweetest redemption; the only One I will ever say 'take my whole life' to is Christ.  I smile typing that.  I love that He is my whole life (Colossians 3:4), that He has my heart and is shaping my thoughts, my personality, and my actions to fall more in love with Him, and to even draw others to know love with Him.  What amazing grace!  When I read the Word and see Him work everywhere around me and in me, I can't help falling in love with Him.  I love that it is nothing in me, nothing that I have done, am doing, or ever will do.  My eyes have been infinitely blessed (Luke 10:23).  'Wise men say only fools rush in,' but I cannot help but give my whole self to Him, anything less would be unloving...hateful. 'Like a river runs surely to the sea, darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be,' so perfectly speaks of His sovereignty and how He has chosen us.  It was set before I ever even realized I was empty and dead in my sin, that I would be His for eternity and freely given grace and love through His son (Ephesians 1:4-6).  There is so much going on in my life, but that's all I want to say right now.  I am just full of joy in falling in love with Jesus.

Paradise- Coldplay

Paradise- Coldplay (youtube)


I am done with this semester, and I just drove home to #sweetsweetchesapeake.  I have never done this before: I listened to the same song on repeat for the whole ride home (two hours)! Kinda weird, I know...but ScottyBug and I were jammin!  This song is that good though.  I danced in my living room to it last night, can't contain myself when I hear it! I'm ridiculous =D  But seriously, I love this song because it is so Real.  I can't help thinking about Jesus when I hear it, I am literally filled with joy.  It makes me think of the first half of 2 Corinthians 5, Our Heavenly Dwelling--

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to  be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I  love the end...what is to come.  What we chosen ones have to look forward to is Paradise, forever with our Lord Jesus.  I can't think of this without smiling, without longing for it in my soul.  The beauty of dreaming about paradise is that we may also know that it starts now, with our relationship with Christ.  What grace that we are not only promised this joy, but can know even a taste of it now, every second of every day we can be awake in the Holy Spirit, to have life to the full, both now and forevermore!

I went to lunches at Conley today, and when I left right after to go home to Chesapeake I missed it. I missed the people, the sweet sweet girls I have gotten to know, and especially the ones I hardly know. I am sad to leave them for three weeks.  It has blessed me so much this semester to share glimpses of Paradise with these girls--whether just sitting at lunch with them once or twice a week, or crying with them, or laughing hysterically together, and faithfully through our Bible study every week.  I want nothing more than to encourage them to chase Paradise--not because it's going to be unimaginably wonderful (which it will be), with no more drama, no more tears, no more divorce, no more pressure to be someone you're not, no more lies, no more heartbreak, none of that...but because Jesus will be everything, the only thing.

This song reminds me of my girls.  They make me smile and bring me so much joy.  But I hate the things they go through.  I hated it in high school, and I hate it in a different way now watching these girls I love so much wander to find out who they are, what they are about, and the heart ache that comes along with that.  It's good and necessary, but so painful.  Instead of dreaming about their boyfriends/ex-boyfriends who suck, or the new pair of Uggs that they have to have, or what they're going to do that weekend, I want to encourage them to dream of Paradise and to know the joy that is only found there, in Christ!  Oh Lord, please set Paradise, our Lover and Savior, your Son Jesus, in our hearts and minds and deep in our souls!

Psalm 27: 4  One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of Yahweh and to seek Him in His temple.

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash (youtube)

Two weekends ago Pitt County went to Windy Gap for our fall weekend.  It was unreal.  The beautiful valley that holds Windy Gap was bursting with color and hope.  I was nervous; I had never taken girls to camp that I already knew and somewhat had relationships with.  I felt like I was going on a first date with someone I really liked...a strange reference, I know.  But here these girls have been coming to Bible study every week, I was beginning the scratch the surface of who they are, what they're going through, what they're desires are and then to see their excitement for camp, I was just anxious!  My hopes were so high, I prayed and prayed and prayed constantly the week before.  I prayed that the Lord would show them their brokenness, their desperate need for His saving grace, for them to be Real with me and each other, for them to experience the joy that only He is able to bring, for them to realize that only He can fill that place inside of us that we are always trying to fill.  My hope was in the Lord, I knew I would not be put to shame (Romans 5:3) Oh goodness, the Lord is so faithful.

Twelve junior girls from Conley came, most of them I knew well, others I hardly knew at all.  I cannot say how life-giving it was to lead them that weekend, to see their hearts and to see Christ working in their lives.  We heard Jesus' Gospel together, we saw Truth together, we froze playing field games together (it snowed!!), we danced and sang at club together, we ate famous YL camp food together, we laughed (a lot!) together, we cried and were Real together, we were even silent together, literally speechless at Jesus' grace on the cross.  Together.  I shared my testimony with them, the story of how my empty, broken life has been redeemed and I have been given a new heart by our Creator.  Our stories cross in so many ways.  We all knew that the Lord did that on purpose.  It's funny how I went there to lead them and speak life into them and this and that, but I have never been so affirmed in my life.  For these sweet girls to explain how they see Christ in me was the most life-giving thing. I could go on and on...I absolutely fell in love with these girls that weekend.  And so much more in love with Christ.

Conley Country...knock outs (our teeth I mean)

Oh goodness I love this girl

Wesley, Taylor, Jordan, Emily, Linsay, Allie, Lucy, Katelyn, Molly, Lydia, Kristin, and Alex

Let's do this, I love you girls

Sweet Conley family, old and new

I know that the grace and the freedom we found that weekend was one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received, all from our Lord Jesus who loves us.  My prayer is that we continue to live life together here in Greenville, I pray that they're hearts are drawn to Jesus through His Word, through each other, through church, through me.  I try to be authentic and genuine with them, I try to cast vision for them, I pray for them, I do things with them, I talk to them, I think about them.  But the most humbling and freeing thing I realized at camp was that they are His, not mine.  I can be the best leader ever, but all my efforts are in vain if Jesus did not die on the cross for His children and if He does not call them Himself.  My hope and my energy is found in that, in His sovereignty, in the hopes that they would not rely on me or themselves or anyone else, only Him.  I pray that they go to Him to uncover their new hearts...stone by stone.

Grateful for Your Love- Ellie Holcomb

Listen to Grateful for Your Love at ellieholcomb.com it's just great.

This semester is in full swing! Lots of studying, friends, Young Life =)  I am not so stressed this year, which is such a blessing. I do not have too too much to write about, which may or may not be a reflection of my life right now.  I have had no time to just sit and listen to music or explore new stuff so I have not wanted to write just for the heck of it.  When I do sit and listen to music, it has been opera =)  But I have wanted to write about this song since it came out a few weeks ago.  So much is going on all the time; classes, living with three other girls now, falling in LOVE with girls from Conley High, Pirate football, vocal healing, new books (it's going to take me a year to get through Desiring God haha), fall, weddings...oh so much!

I think I am learning a lot, and have not even really realized it until now.  I think the Lord is teaching me what it means to really find life in Him, to really know Him. I am convinced that you cannot know Jesus without falling madly, desperately, whole-heartedly in love with Him. He has been faithful to me in giving me the sweetest desire just to be His.  And the Word! Oh, I am falling in love with Jesus, the Word made flesh, Emmanuel (God among us).  We have the words of life in our hands, how dare I not completely give myself to them, to seek Christ in each uttered word He speaks? Lately whenever I read the Word or about it or meditate on scripture my heart starts racing.  I have never been so keenly aware of how sacred God's words are... He spoke our entirety into being, He made His thoughts, words, his very self into a man and made His dwelling among us.  To think that the gift we have in His Word is anything less than glorious grace is just foolish!  To think that we are entitled to it, or to take His laws for granted is sin.

Psalm 119
v. 81- My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your Word.
v. 96- To all perfection I see a limit, but your commands are boundless.
v. 105- Your Word is a lamp to my feet, a light unto my path.
v. 111- Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.

My prayer is that I do everything in my power, with the Holy Spirit in me, to foster and discipline my mind and thoughts to always fall more in love, in more reliance on scripture.  I pray that it abides in me, that I do nothing on my own, only out of fear of without God, total self-abandonment to Him.

If My Words Abide in You- John Piper  This sermon changed me.  (Thanks for tweeting it Jim)

So I am grateful. So, so grateful for His love, for His Word made flesh, in Christ and (my hope) in me as well.


Love is an ocean, hope is a promise
Light is overtaking, grace is overwhelming.

You chase our sin to the dark and Lord we're grateful, oh we're grateful.
You capture our hearts with your love, oh Lord you're faithful, you are faithful
Nothing that we've ever done was too much for you to handle on the cross
We're grateful for you love

Weight is lifted, mercy tore the curtain
Sin is no master, freedom calls our name!

Life is granted, chains have been broken...

You chase our sin to the dark and Lord we're grateful, oh we're grateful.

You captured our hearts with your love, oh Lord you're faithful, you are faithful

Nothing that we've ever done was too much for you to handle on the cross

We're grateful for your love!

Pilot Me- Josh Garrells

Listen Here: Pilot Me by Josh Garrels, youtube

The summer is almost over, (very) sadly enough.  It is difficult to imagine how I have been so blessed, but then again, we serve the God who is Love...so it's not that hard to imagine.  Bullets on this summer:

• Summer Staff- sweet Windy Gap and all the amazing brothers and sisters we served with there!
• Rockbridge with Chesapeake YL- so blessed to know and love those girls!
• Sheville- our community is changing...we are all growing together still, sharing in the heart of Jesus
• Voice- found out that I have vocal nodes (callouses on my vocal chords), was not allowed to talk for a week in hopes of healing them, do not know what this year will look like but I am growing in this challenge of trusting the Lord!
• Josh and Ally's wedding- oh my goodness...what a BEAUTIFUL picture of the Gospel, a celebration of Christ in Josh and Ally with our closest friends and family, thank you for letting me be apart of that wonderful weekend 
• Maine vacation with my family- who knew the Braham family was so adventurous! Rock climbing, flying in open-cockpit airplanes, white water rafting, mountain biking, and lots of hiking made for an exhausting and super fun week!  Thanks mom, dad, and Austin =) 

                      

eno nap? heck yes

     

                                                 

So blessed by and grateful for this family

I wrote about this song in my journal on the day that we went flying in the old-fashioned airplanes...pilot me, so appropriate ;)  It is my prayer and my heart's desire...to be led! to be His! to trust Him alone! Oh Lord, pilot me more, please.

I will arise and follow you over

                              Savior please, pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow

Savior please, pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow

Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on over the seas, 

Savior pilot me

Oh Lord... 

This summer has brought about much more uncertainty than I had planned...who plans on or likes being uncertain?  Nonetheless, I am being stretched and even demanded to rely on Him who sends the uncertainty.  How unnatural it feels to trust the One who sends "ambiguity," but that is the grace in it...having faith that His unknown (to me) plans are more beneficial to me and to His kingdom brings me more joy and peace than I can ever produce myself!  I want to and must TRUST that He is wholly for me, that He is sovereign and holy and can do nothing but glorify Himself, not at the cost of our joy or the good of others, but for and through them!  The desire to be led by His Spirit and His Word is alive and compelling me to trust His lead...

Psalm 119:32- I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free!                 v. 35- Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.   

 Galatians 5:18- But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. 

I guess the point is that God is sovereign- He is wholly good and wholly just, He has control and the grace to love us through that control.  With this gift, through Christ, is life! Fullness! Joy! Freedom! Abandon to the world, including myself, my selfish desires, my dry regard for His people.  There is literally no need or point in worrying, we are set in eternity; His glory is already marked by our faith and how He has chosen to grow and use us.

I love this song because it doesn't make sense.  To the World, the text and all its implications are not the most uppity or compelling- it says that we cannot do it ourselves, we need something/Someone to lead us, and that Something won't even save us from suffering.  However, to those of us blessed ones who are in this life to know and fall more in love with Christ, it can be a freeing proclamation of His sovereignty and that He is trustworthy and good enough to lead us.  The light-heartedness of the flutes, head-voice, and ukuleles, et cetera, describes that precious peace we have when we are in trusting Him.  Manning says in Ruthless Trust that God enjoys and cherishes our love, but may even long for our trust: to say, "I love you" is not as risky and bold as saying, "I trust you."

We went to my sweet Nana and Papa's house earlier this summer, it was a very special visit.  My Nana loves keepsakes, she loves pieces of our family's history, and she loves people, particularly our family.  She has kept years and years of letters, poems, gifts, any little thing that shows someone's heart.  She showed me a scrapbook full of these treasures.  I loved hearing about my family, but mostly I love seeing  Nana's heart for people, I love tearing up with Nana.  We stumbled on this poem that her grandma wrote; it has seemingly become a little mantra in my heart, something I hold very dear:

Myself: By Ida Virginia Royster, "Gaga"

I keep myself serene and calm, I will not let anything alarm. 

My inner peace, my self-control, assured that Christ is the Captain of my soul. 

Lord, for today my desire is to love you by trusting you, for you alone are good, you are holy, and you are worthy of all of me.  Whatever tomorrow holds, whatever your plans for my school look like, wherever you have me sing, whoever you have me love, Jesus, won't you lead me? Savior, please pilot me!

The Transfiguration- David Crowder Band (Sufjan Stevens: Seven Swans Reimagined)

There's no point in trying to explain why I haven't blogged in the last two months, but I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to listen to music and therefore had no specific song to write about. I still don't, so I'm picking one that I've always wanted to post.  I think the awe and wonder it invokes, both about the content and the music, describes this summer so far. The Transfiguration- David Crowder Band.  You should just get up and dance to this song; at least just imagine and think about the GLORY of Christ's transfiguration in Matthew 17.

Summer started with the re-realization of how much God loves Chesapeake.  Every time I come home I am reminded how much we are loved and admired and blessed through our community. Sheville  (our girl time once a week where we share our hearts and what we are experiencing with the Lord) has grown and made our love and trust in each other stronger but more importantly it pushes us each to rely on the Lord more, give ourselves to Him more, and we can really pray with and for each other.  I guess to people who have never known this kind of intense friendship it may seem strange, dull, or not even possible, but this is real! This is full life which we are created to live in, with each other, spurring one another on toward love (God Himself- 1 John 4:16) and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).

So a few weeks of just hanging out and then six of us from Chesapeake went to Windy Gap for summer staff! The three weeks we were there were...I don't know, I can't pick a word. Life-giving. I was the "craft girl" and what a sweet blessing that was.  I got to see and experience the Lord transform kids' hearts throughout each week, they told me about their lives as I just helped them make bracelets and put feathers and beads in their hair. The whole time I questioned God, "Why me? There is no way that I have done anything to deserve this kind of fullness and joy," which I still believe is true.  But after you step back and realize that Christ in you is attractive and people are drawn to Him in you, the pressure and the questioning just turn to holy resignation, a deep peace and confidence in the Lord's goodness and life in yourself.  And then there is the freedom we have to actually tell people what is different about us- Christ in you! All three weeks I got unique opportunities to tell everyone that through my words, but mostly my actions.  One of the sweetest opportunities was, of course, through music. 

How faithful He continues to be in loving me and loving others through my music.  Andrew Ripp was the "special music" artist for our session.  Long story short, I was blessed to be able to sing one of his songs with him during club and for his concert once a week.  The song is beautiful, it's one of those that gets stuck in your head every time you hear it.  It talks about the pain in waiting to be completely immersed in Christ's love, learning how to live in that freedom, and embracing our "chosenness," as Henri Nouwen calls it. It's called "In the Shallow" you can watch a video HERE (thanks Meesh!)  It was incredibly humbling, and encouraging at the same time, to be apart of something so powerful as Andrew's music.  It was a much anticipated challenge learning how to give God the glory in each "performance."  I experienced freedom from it being a performance, and solely giving it to God in worship, to use for His glory, not my own.  That has been my prayer since I began performing and it was sweet to see the Lord honor that prayer.

Gosh, I learned so much at summer staff.  I really wrestled to explore His goodness and sovereignty, my insecurities and fears, pride, and knowing my worth in Christ.  I was loved so well; not boasting in myself because I do not deserve the kind of love I received, but it was Christ in others loving and feeding Christ in myself.  I was continually encouraged by the girls in our "real talks" and working, crying, hysterically laughing together, and praying for and affirming each other.  I was also so blessed and encouraged to see guys who love the Lord love and respect me as their sister in Christ; nothing more, nothing less.  That was huge for me.  By His grace alone, the confidence and freedom I have in who I am (the Beloved daughter/sister/bride/ambassador of Christ) has finally begun to transform me. I was just loved so well. Thank you.  Christ in others, loving Christ in me, loving Christ in others. How can we find life in anything else?

Sorry I'm not done.  Psalm 51 was the most faithful scripture to me during summer staff.  It is the Psalm that David wrote after he slept with Bathsheba- it was in his raw suffering that these beautiful words came to life.  Oddly enough, the most significant aspect I took away from the Psalm is hope and joy.  Verse 8 says, "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice." One of Young Life's staple songs is Amazing Love, in which the last line is "It's my joy to honor you. In all I do, I honor you." I have a vision of this cycle in my head that displays my joy, which comes only from honoring Him and in turn, I must honor Him to know true joy.  I hope that makes some sort of sense. Trusting Him to gracefully, yet authoritatively, break my bones (the things on which I rely that are not Jesus) and then rejoicing in that? That sounds ludicrous, but that is the kind of suffering Jesus brings healing and power through (Philippians 3:10) and I learned that embracing that is life-giving.  Living to honor Him is joy, joy in my brokenness, and that my joy from honoring Him is healing.

I also was blessed to take kids from Chesapeake to Rockbridge last week. What an unexpected blessing it was. It was very last minute and this year I was a little more hesitant to say yes.  I had no time to pray about it or for the girls I would be leading and I was just stressed.  I read the story of the Rich Young Ruler in Mark 10 and it came alive to me.  This man had everything the world and our flesh says we need- money, authority, and a good reputation.  In a lot of ways I feel like a rich young ruler- I have everything set up for success, I have friends, family, money, etc.  Verse 21 says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him," not because he had "kept all the commandments" or because he was rich and in good standing with the world, but because He missed him and wanted to show him that He could give him true, full, real life! Then it says Jesus told him he had everything but was missing one thing.  I have never known what that one thing was until last week- TRUST, self-abandon! He says He is "the way, the Truth, and the life," (John 14:6) but if we don't trust Him, how would we know that?  I realized that I needed to trust Him with the week, that changed everything for me.  The camp trip was still incredibly difficult, but the more I trusted Him to give me words, to give me energy, to give me love and strength, the more life I found in Him.  Kids from Chesapeake met Christ and have begun to explore His love for each of them...it was a good week! He is faithful.

I am praying to live in the awe of His glory every day, that His transfiguration is made new in me each morning.  His love for us is fresh!  Summer is a beautiful time, especially here in #sweetsweetchesapeake.

Poison and Wine- The Civil Wars

Poison and Wine- The Civil Wars (youtube)

I don't really know where or how to begin this post...relationships.  They're everywhere.  I even venture to say that they are everything.  They can be so sweet, and so cruel; so full of life, and they can also suck the life right out of you; rich wine, or debilitating poison.  They are powerful and the Lord intended them to be that way.  I feel like I am in such a unique place right now. I am in the middle of so many different relationships: marriages, break-ups, "talking,"friendships, engagements, etc.  But recently I have come to realize that there are only two types of relationships.  Just two, people:  You are either in a relationship that is constantly growing and seeking Christ as the center of it, or you're not.  I have seen and experienced both, even in the last few days... real poison and wine. You may decide for yourself which is which...

My relationship with the Lord has been so different the past couple weeks.  During finals and the last weeks of school I was completely distracted, simply could not muster up the courage to put aside my to-do list and sit at His feet.  I missed Him desperately.  It was painful and frustrating knowing that both He and I were hurting because of the worldly distractions, but I trusted that redemption and change would soon come.  As soon as I got to #sweetsweetchesapeake, everything was different.  My time looks different, my friends and community are different, my struggles are different.  He has shown me His faithfulness and pursued me so sweetly through my amazing friends and family.  I have had intense, real, hard conversations with people I absolutely love and pray for, people I am so thankful for I could just burst!  Those relationships have brought me life and challenged me in new ways and brought me to the place where I am now.  I am in a heavy place.  The Holy Spirit is growing my fear of the Lord.  But I think it is more a fear of without the Lord.  My relationship with the Lord is different and is still and ever-changing; it's going there...that place I will not and cannot let anyone else in.  That place that I hide away because I've been hurt, because I see people I love who hurt and cannot heal without repentance and His sweet redemption.  Gosh, so often I get stuck there.  I hurt and have hurt others.  But in all my "movie-making" and fleshy desires I have hurt the One who loves me most.  Psalm 25 talks about this deep, loving relationship we have with our Creator.

To you, oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God.  The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes His covenant know to them.  Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

The Father of all things trusts and confides in me?  Because He loves me?  He cares enough about me and my fears and insecurities and loneliness to turn to me and embrace me with grace. 1Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!

This song is about a lot of things, there are so many beautiful parallels in it, not to mention it is just a gorgeous song!  "Bravery" is not a word we use very often.  I find myself using "boldness" and "courage" more so than bravery, a beautiful combination of pride and courage.  This song is about bravery in relationships.  Bravery to be honest and vulnerable, to strip it of all the pre-conceived thoughts and assumptions and to not give up on love.  Obviously the song is about pain and hurt in relationships too; expecting something and not getting it, longing for fulfillment when we know (or may not know) that we are not even capable of giving that to each other.  "I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back, the less I give the more I get back."  Geeze that pain is so real.  But so is the Lord's pursuit.  He is the only one who will not leave me lonely, He does hold me when I turn my back, and He loves me too much to give anything less than His best, even in response to my ignorance and lack of passion for Him.  He trusts me and makes His marriage covenant real in my life, even though I betray His trust and seek affection and attention from a guy who fails to love me even close to the way the Lord does.  Jesus, I am so sorry.  You are better, you are enough.  I am sorry that we let such a special gift from you distance us from you.  But thank you for redemption, thank you for the sweet conversations an relationships that show us your love and grace.  Give us the courage to be brave in fighting for those, and repelling the others; to relinquish the poison, and drink only of your wine.

I'm in Need- Mike Hale

Mike Hale- I'm in Need (scroll down the song list to find it)


Last weekend was a dream.  Believe me, I day-dreamed about it for months in excited anticipation for the amazing fellowship we have at home in Chesapeake.  I couldn't wait.  Eight months ago we found out our Young Life leader Libby (read her blog here!) had lymphoma.  There we were, we had no idea what to do or think or say...Libby had cancer.  So we prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  Libby endured 12 rounds of chemo and by February she was cancer free! We rejoiced (you can scroll down and read the post- "Thy Mercy My God") and still we prayed and prayed and thanked the Lord.  That's what this weekend was about. All of my dearest friends came home from college to praise the Lord for healing Libby, who we love so much, and who has beautifully shown us how to fellowship with Christ in both suffering and in joy.  


This weekend was needed, it was hard at times, it was joyful, it was life-giving.  But for me, it was about NEED; my insanely desperate need and longing for The Savior and the life He wants for me.  I need Him, and Him alone. This weekend I realized how often I try to do it on my own, and how stubborn I am that I cannot humble myself and embrace my need for Jesus.  School, Young Life, church, singing, singing at church, friends, eating, playing- I do not know how I think I can do everything and not need anything or anyone to guide me or at least help me. But it's so much bigger and deeper than that.  Without Jesus as the propelling force of every single action, the work I do is nothing.  It means nothing.  It means unnecessarily wasted energy that I cannot afford to give to anything else than Jesus, because everything else is exhausting.  And that's where I am right now...I'm exhausted and longing for Jesus, especially because this weekend was so sweet and I just want to live in heaven singing and dancing and talking and  loving our Creator with the beautiful friends He has given me.


The Lord really used Libby to make my need for Him real this weekend.  As we all sat on the floor in the upper room of the River house on Saturday morning, we listened to her share her heart.  She said, through tears, "I mean, I don't wish cancer on anyone...but I kinda do. I want each of you to rely on Him that much and fall that much more in love with Him.  You know how we always say how we find our identities in Christ? I don't think we know the seriousness of that until we are stripped of everything else that we find fulfillment in.  Cancer did that for me." I can't really put together words to do it justice what Libby has meant to me and so many others.  She has shown me what it looks like to embrace our need and weaknesses with the courage that only the Lord can provide and fulfill, and I want nothing more than to do that; to live in my need for Christ. I was brought to tears so many times this weekend (which is unlike me) because I was painfully aware of how much I need Jesus.  I need Him to give me energy, to heal my heart that breaks so easily, to sustain my joy in Him, to use me, to fulfill me. 


This verse in Malachi (4:2) has given me hope and solace.

But for those of you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.  And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.

I have seen a fair amount of sunrises this year with driving back to Greenville on Sunday mornings, and the Lord shows His faithfulness to me in them.  He meets me in the quietness of the  rising sun and the gentle hum of Scotty's wheel's directing me to where I am supposed to be.  After a weekend of hustle and bustle and tears and laughter I was finally alone with my Beloved.  I need Him, and that's not something I need to fear or shy away from.  He's not another guy who will disappoint me or a friend who will let me down. He is all I need, He will never fail me or forsake me.  This picture is the sunrise on Sunday morning.  The sky literally had wings, and through them I was healed.  I don't even really know what part of my heart was healed, but I was free of something.  I can leap for joy like a newborn calf who has been released from the stall of bondage and SIN, into a fresh new life.

 Libby is healed, we are rejoicing! "IT IS FINISHED."
Thank you Libby, Katherine, Leslie, KB, Ally, Queeny, Becca, Shannon, Jess, Sarah, Ariel, KH, AllyMc, and the guys for making this weekend so special. I cannot tell you what a blessing each of you are in my life and how thankful I am to know that we will spend eternity falling more in love with Christ together as one body of Chesapeake. 
Starting NOW!
I love you guys.