I'm in Need- Mike Hale

Mike Hale- I'm in Need (scroll down the song list to find it)


Last weekend was a dream.  Believe me, I day-dreamed about it for months in excited anticipation for the amazing fellowship we have at home in Chesapeake.  I couldn't wait.  Eight months ago we found out our Young Life leader Libby (read her blog here!) had lymphoma.  There we were, we had no idea what to do or think or say...Libby had cancer.  So we prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  Libby endured 12 rounds of chemo and by February she was cancer free! We rejoiced (you can scroll down and read the post- "Thy Mercy My God") and still we prayed and prayed and thanked the Lord.  That's what this weekend was about. All of my dearest friends came home from college to praise the Lord for healing Libby, who we love so much, and who has beautifully shown us how to fellowship with Christ in both suffering and in joy.  


This weekend was needed, it was hard at times, it was joyful, it was life-giving.  But for me, it was about NEED; my insanely desperate need and longing for The Savior and the life He wants for me.  I need Him, and Him alone. This weekend I realized how often I try to do it on my own, and how stubborn I am that I cannot humble myself and embrace my need for Jesus.  School, Young Life, church, singing, singing at church, friends, eating, playing- I do not know how I think I can do everything and not need anything or anyone to guide me or at least help me. But it's so much bigger and deeper than that.  Without Jesus as the propelling force of every single action, the work I do is nothing.  It means nothing.  It means unnecessarily wasted energy that I cannot afford to give to anything else than Jesus, because everything else is exhausting.  And that's where I am right now...I'm exhausted and longing for Jesus, especially because this weekend was so sweet and I just want to live in heaven singing and dancing and talking and  loving our Creator with the beautiful friends He has given me.


The Lord really used Libby to make my need for Him real this weekend.  As we all sat on the floor in the upper room of the River house on Saturday morning, we listened to her share her heart.  She said, through tears, "I mean, I don't wish cancer on anyone...but I kinda do. I want each of you to rely on Him that much and fall that much more in love with Him.  You know how we always say how we find our identities in Christ? I don't think we know the seriousness of that until we are stripped of everything else that we find fulfillment in.  Cancer did that for me." I can't really put together words to do it justice what Libby has meant to me and so many others.  She has shown me what it looks like to embrace our need and weaknesses with the courage that only the Lord can provide and fulfill, and I want nothing more than to do that; to live in my need for Christ. I was brought to tears so many times this weekend (which is unlike me) because I was painfully aware of how much I need Jesus.  I need Him to give me energy, to heal my heart that breaks so easily, to sustain my joy in Him, to use me, to fulfill me. 


This verse in Malachi (4:2) has given me hope and solace.

But for those of you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.  And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.

I have seen a fair amount of sunrises this year with driving back to Greenville on Sunday mornings, and the Lord shows His faithfulness to me in them.  He meets me in the quietness of the  rising sun and the gentle hum of Scotty's wheel's directing me to where I am supposed to be.  After a weekend of hustle and bustle and tears and laughter I was finally alone with my Beloved.  I need Him, and that's not something I need to fear or shy away from.  He's not another guy who will disappoint me or a friend who will let me down. He is all I need, He will never fail me or forsake me.  This picture is the sunrise on Sunday morning.  The sky literally had wings, and through them I was healed.  I don't even really know what part of my heart was healed, but I was free of something.  I can leap for joy like a newborn calf who has been released from the stall of bondage and SIN, into a fresh new life.

 Libby is healed, we are rejoicing! "IT IS FINISHED."
Thank you Libby, Katherine, Leslie, KB, Ally, Queeny, Becca, Shannon, Jess, Sarah, Ariel, KH, AllyMc, and the guys for making this weekend so special. I cannot tell you what a blessing each of you are in my life and how thankful I am to know that we will spend eternity falling more in love with Christ together as one body of Chesapeake. 
Starting NOW!
I love you guys.

Set a Fire- Will Reagan and United Pursuit

So I went to La Romana, Dominican Republic last week for Spring Break.  It was my first "mission trip." Classes and “every day life” have quickly forced me back to reality, but I pray that what the Lord taught me in La Romana changes what my every day life looks like.  Being that He is a limitlessly loving and BIG God, the Lord did amazing things within our team and the community there, as well as in my own heart.

"You are here, I am too" -Artist, God

Each day began with personal time with Jesus, then breakfast and group devotion.  Some days we worked on the church (it is just about done after 7 years and 40 missions teams from Covenant Church!) and the mission house for future mission teams to stay in; but mostly we spent time with the people of Barrio George, the local neighborhood we stayed in.  We went to different poverty-stricken villages and it was all very surreal to see that people actually live in tin shed huts with no shoes or clean water, but I can say that it was not hard to see the Lord working miracles and changing hearts of the people living in these communities. 

Alejandra, Suleyca, Ruth, and Zahira- my sweet girls!

Although language was indeed a barrier, the Lord was so faithful in showing us that He is big enough to strip communication down to simple love; no words or flowery conversations were necessary.  But He did help my Spanish a ton, and I actually got to build sweet relationships with a handful of 10-11 year-old girls!  They knew “Jesus loves me” in English and I learned “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord” in Spanish, so we sang them together walking through the barrio =)

As a culture, the people were just so loving and excited to have us there.  Children would swarm us every time we walked out of our rooms.  They were just so eager to love and be loved- a beautiful picture of a community that loves the Lord. One of the sweetest memories I have is of the first time we saw them worship in the church on the first night.  There was such joy and freedom in how they danced and sang.  The point in the service they were most joyful was during the offering…woah.  What a beautiful picture of the story in Mark 12 of the woman who had nothing to give the Lord but her heart, her everything.  The people in this community knew that the faith God has given them rules over their circumstances, and they live each day in simple gratitude for what He has given them.  Thanks to our area director's wife who has been to La Romana multiple times, they now have a growing Vida Joven (Young Life) ministry in La Romana! What a blessing to be able to share in that and encourage the leaders.  We even got to have our own Club night which was received so well. We did a couple skits, including the Doctor's Office and Lifehouse skits. 

Pamela, another great leader in Vida Joven

Andrea, a VJ leader in La Romana

They run on “island/Hispanic time” in the DR, meaning that everything happens whenever it happens; there is no time constraints or pressure.  They are so much more focused on RELATIONSHIPS rather than “doing” and getting things done!   Yes, we went to finish building a church, but that was more an excuse to go there and just love these people; they were not worried about the church getting done, so much as they just wanted to be with us.  What an extreme difference from our American culture, and how cool it is to be able to live and grow in that and to bring some of that back to the States.  From now on, when people talk about mission trips I would like to ask, “What did the Lord do/ how did you see Him?” not “What did you do?”

Our team was amazing, we grew so much in love and fellowship.
I am so thankful for you and excited to LIVE in G-Vegas with you.

I think the most profound thing the Lord showed me was that He is the same God I am in love with here as in the DR.  He showed me that my life as a Christ follower is a mission tool for Him no matter where I am and I am called to love each person with the same prayerful dedication and active care whether they are American or Dominican, young or old, Christian or not.  I am committed to searching for Jesus wherever I am; looking for him in a child's sweet smile, in the joyfulness of fellowship, in the beauty of spring blossoming, in people who are looking everywhere but in Christ for fulfillment, at East Carolina University, in Chesapeake, in the DR...literally wherever I am.  I want to be awake and aware of Him and how He is loving me and spurring me to love 

others right where I am, because He is always with me, and NOW is all we have.

Once again, He loved me SO faithfully through music in the DR.  I got to experience worship like I never have before...reckless abandon kind of worship, just singing psalms and prayers out loud to Him.  I think Jesus wanted to take me to the DR to learn more about having confidence in using music to worship Him.  Now more than ever, I know I am meant to praise Him with singing...I mean my heart is beginning to pound right now.  Passion.  I cannot describe this blessing, I can only respond to His grace and love through it and encourage others to join.  We sang this song all week and it just flowed out of us.  

 "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, that I can't control! I want more of you, God. I want more of you, God. There's no place I would rather be than here in your love, here in your love."

Set a Fire- Will Reagan and United Pursuit (youtube)

Thy Mercy My God- Sandra McCracken

Aright, this is a big deal.  I am writing about my absolute favorite, most repeated (126 count on my iTunes so far, not including car and ipod time), most cherished song in the world.  I have been saving this song for the best time to write about it, and I think this month is it.  It's an old hymn covered by the wonderful Sandra McCracken.  Say 'McCracken' out loud like you mean it, it's fun.


It's hard to put into words how much Jesus loves me through this song.  The verses are of His heart, they plea and beg for His grace, still with confidence and faith knowing that He will provide abounding mercy and love.  I think I especially love this song because it is constant, it doesn't change.  It's strophic, meaning that the words of the verses change but the music just repeats.  So often I fall into a dangerous routine, and think I can just live my life on autopilot in self-seeking laziness, but when I ask God to give me the grace to be alive and awake to His heart and the opportunities to share His love, then I can hear every word of praise and the song/my life is refreshed.  I am humbled and renewed by the sweet melody and freeing poetry to God every time I hear this song; I am compelled to listen to it in times of suffering and in times of joy. I love that. Plus it has like the best banjo part EVER.  I love that too.


When I think about God's mercy, I think of my life before Christ.  It was painful, full of desperate attempts at finding fulfillment in anything and everything but God.  I think of the deep depression that robbed me of my joy and motivation in 8th grade and again Senior year.  I think of when I cared about what everyone thought of me and being a slave to getting affirmation from guys and from my friends, based on who I knew or what I did, not who I was, or further yet, who Christ redeems me to be.  But my poor, pitiful little life was so carefully constructed by His grace to bring me to this FREEDOM that I know now as His love.  His mercy has changed my life, even in the past year, even in the past hour.  Sin almost "reduced me to utter despair, but through His free goodness my Spirit's revived and He who first made me still keeps me ALIVE!"  


This song is new in my heart from so many different angles and perspectives.  My dear friend Libby (read her blog here!) has had cancer for the last 7 months and has gone through countless doctors apps, 12 chemo therapy treatments, and has humbly praised our Father who loves her the entire way.  Since Friday, she is free!  This song was playing when I found out.  Before Friday, I had never "wept for the praise of the mercy I've found." Libby is well, her cancer is gone, God is so good to us!


Psalm 86:12-13 I will praise you, Oh Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.


Thank you, sweet Jesus.


Thy Mercy, My God (youtube)

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue;
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Has won my affection, and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here,
Sin would reduce me to utter despair;
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,
And weep for the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

Great Father of mercy, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son;
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

Hallelujah...!

Live Forever- Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Drew and Ellie are sometimes very hard to listen to.  Especially right now.  They just love each other sooooo much; I feel like I need to guard my heart when I listen to "Hung the Moon" and "Magnolia Tree" haha. In all honesty, it's a very real dream of mine to make music with my husband one day.  Not that I'm concerned with getting married right now, I'm obviously not, but I just need to keep my wishful thinking in check when I listen to them.  But my best friend posted this song on my wall today and I love it (thanks Kate); she knows my heart and she knows how I work.  Sometimes she doesn't have the words to say to make me feel better, which is okay, but she always points me to Christ and shows me how much she cares in a really special way, and for that I am truly grateful.  

We went to West Point together this past weekend to visit our best friend Brian; we got to fly together, and roam Grand Central Station together, and were treated like princesses together.  It was what we needed.  We got our nails done in NYC and it was literally the best mani/pedi we've ever gotten (thank you to the sweet nail ladies who served us so well haha) and Brian and our great new friend Chris just made the weekend so special.  I don't remember the last time I laughed so much; we talked about Jesus together, we ate together, we were the "awkward" foursome together, we found rest together.  The whole weekend was just a gift, I'll cherish it for a long, long time.  Thank you to Brian and Chris for taking us into your strange and beautiful world and making us feel welcomed and safe and loved.

On a random note, fear has a much stronger grip on me than I thought.  Whenever people talk about fear, I think, "You're afraid, it's scary, and that is valid.  But God isn't scared.  He is in control, and He is good."  I constantly have to tell myself that.  Not once was Jesus fearful.  Jesus wept (John 11:35) but he was never scared.  Imagine having so much trust in our Father that we didn't even know what fear was.  I want to live in that.  Psalm 56:3 Fearless trust. 

My favorite line in this song is, "Some say faith is a childish game, well play on, children, like it's Christmas day!"

Live Forever-Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Roslyn- Bon Iver

Well, last semester's exams are over (a 3.94, literally His grace!) Christmas has come and gone, I have officially become a world traveler "cultured" in the ways of the world outside of America, and now classes have started for the Spring 2011 semester! Woah!  I have been so so blessed. Really. And so much has been going on in my head and my heart! 

Just a little bit about my trip to London and Paris-- first of all THANK YOU to my parents for giving me that opportunity so willingly, and my sweet cousin Dennisse! She took me and her friend Michelle all through Europe and was a wonderful guide and planner.  The time spent there was truly a gift!  I think the highlights of the trip were seeing My Fair Lady (in English! yay!) in Paris, going to the Royal Opera House in London (we saw Cinderella, the ballet) and visiting the Cathedrals (Notre Dame, Sacre Coeur, Westminster Abbey, St. Paul).  The shows were simply wonderful; there was such life, such poise and timelessness in both the performances as well as the beautiful venues.  They were so encouraging and exciting to be apart of.  The walls lining the ROH were filled with memories of the great singers in action, even their extravagant costumes!  I could not help but stand in amazement at the gift of their music and the art they created.  Then I thought to myself, "This was all by His grace! The unforgettable beauty these people "created" was not theirs, but from our sweet God." I am encouraged. I love the gift of voice and passion He gave me, I long to glorify Him with it. 

Speaking of glorifying Him...the cathedrals were astounding.  Walking inside the Sacre Coeur, atop Montmartre overlooking the entire city of Paris, I was overwhelmed, even to tears! Yes, it was that beautiful, that intimate, that ornate.  Can you imagine designing something with enough intricate detail to take 200 years to complete?  Can you imagine feeling so strongly about something, being THAT much in love? I pray that we all realize that Christ is that serious, that glorious, that worthy.  He deserves so much more than I can ever relay or repay or even imagine.

He has enthralled my soul with wonder.  His mystery is baffling me and I love it.  There are so many questions I want Him to answer, so many unknowns. Why is music theory so hard? Why are boys so complicated? Why do I never feel like I'm good enough?  Why do I have such amazing friends? Why do Libby and Mimi have cancer? Why do I know and love Him, but some never will?  I don't know.  You can give me answers to all of those questions, and I may get prideful and think I know their answers sometimes too, but who am I to know?  Who am I to be able to comprehend why there are devastating hurricanes, children who don't have shoes or food, trillions of perfectly placed stars in the sky, or beautiful flowers to grow and behold?  I am not designed to understand or have control over or even be comfortable with His grace and love for me. I do not know the answer to those questions. But I do know that He is to be TRUSTED, and He is to be adored, loved, and glorified.

In Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust, it talks about how holy the mystery of God is.  How attractive and alluring this kabod Yahweh is, and how we, graced ragamuffin children of God, are designed and demanded to praise Him (Psalm 81:4) by trusting Him.  Manning tells a short story about how he had "expostulated so brilliantly on the mystery of God that after one semester, there was no mystery left." He heard an old friar say, "The older I get, the less I understand about God."  It's not an attempt at modesty, nor shallowness, nor dumbness, but sincere trust in His saving grace and loving pursuit of His Agapitos, His Beloveds.

In short, by no particular lyrics or notable attributes, this song makes me feel that.  I can taste the mystery of my Savior in this shadowy blend of odd chords and words.  It was to this song on repeat during the bus ride to London Heathrow Airport on the last day of my trip to Europe that I watched the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen .  The sky freely contained every color possible with masses of dark clouds hovering in front of it; the ground was shimmering with frost on the still green pastures of farmland laden with hungry sheep and trees whose silhouettes against the flames in the sky displayed divine mystery.  My heart literally ached. I was the only person who was awake, present to the beauty.  "This is for you, Al! This is real, this is my love for you! Trust me, come to me!"  I read the late Henry Nouwen's Life of the Beloved in the beginning of the trip, in which it said this: "That Truth will set you free to receive the beauty of nature and culture in gratitude, as a sign of your Belovedness."  That is what I hear through this song, it's what I learned on an adventure far away.

Roslyn- Bon Iver and St. Vincent (Youtube)

p.s. I unfortunately lost my camera in a French airport and therefore have no pictures of the trip.  After much bitterness and sulking and tears, I realized that I could not take my camera (formerly named Adam, after Ansel Adams) nor its pictures to Heaven with me, nor should I care to. So... Sorry!

Auflosung (Dissolution)- Franz Schubert, Janet Baker, Soprano

I have no focus, no motivation, no urgency.  Exams? Eh, they'll come and they'll go.  Papers?  Eh, I'll write 'em whenever.  It's aggravating how little I care about anything right now.  Even spending time with friends; I feel secluded and distant from those beautiful gifts God has given me.  It also makes me sad.  I am obviously not dying to myself, certainly not taking up my cross.  I have not been relying on Christ to fulfill me, to overflow me with energy and grace to live in and out, I've been relying on myself.  A huge way I see it is in my singing; my voice is just tired! Not that it never gets tired, but I just don't want to speak, don't want to laugh, and am tired of singing so much! I want to just be quiet and sing with Jesus for a little bit. Alone. Psalm 46:10.  


It's okay! I know it will get better, He is my hope! He is teaching me through these challenges, my apathy.  He is sovereign, in total control.  He is growing me; I want Him to love me like I am a mature 20-year-old, but I'm not.  He has to hold my hand and be extremely patient with me for everything.  For that I am thankful. I am so grateful to be loved by the God who will wait for me, but who also pushes me.  All that you ask, your grace will provide.  I believe that with all of my heart.  
It's amazing to me- I can be so stagnant and pitiful, yet He is so alive in me!  Christ in you, a dear friend always reminds me.  He brought an opportunity to tell the Truth and the goodness of the Gospel to one of my dearest friends yesterday.  Thank goodness that it is not up to me! Thank you Jesus for being perfect! Nothing good is me, only Christ Jesus in my tired, useless, empty body.  But my weakness is an invitation for Him to be glorified (2Cor.12:9) I pray to be dependent on Him every second of every day, for Him to rule in my heart.


Okay, so I realize this is not your typical song to post, considering that the majority of society does not listen to 19th century work by Franz Schubert, although we all should because he is brilliant, but this raw, honest, Goethe poem set to music speaks to me.  Jesus consoles me through these passionate and frustrated words, He loves me through the powerful chords progression and the fact that this piece is tough.  Leave me, World; the sun may warm my body, but only His arms wrapped around me gives me joy and power in Christ!  Beauty is in Him who died for me, in God who is love.  Leave me be with my Savior, my Beloved.


Tomorrow is my singing final exam,  I pray that they ask for this piece. I want to sing it for God.


Auflosung- Franz Schubert (youtube)

Hide youself, Sun,

For the glowing warmth of joy

Scorches my body;

Be dumb, Music,

Beauty of Spring, begone!

And leave me alone.

Yet gushing from every corner of

My Soul springs lovely Powers

That entwines me with

Heavenly singing;

Go by world, disturb me no longer

The sweet ethereal choirs

Give Me Jesus- Sara Watkins

Give Me Jesus-Sara Watkins   (click on the little side bar on the bottom left, then press play)


I have felt pretty dry lately.  Nothing too dramatic, just worn out- no sleep, no exceptional time with friends, and most importantly no time with Jesus.  You know when you miss something you love, like the mashed potatoes your grandma cooks, or your best friend when they're on vacation without you, or your boyfriend when you're not together anymore, or your family at home two hours away when you just want to stay in on a Friday night?  That's a little sliver of how I miss Jesus. In kind of a sad, very desperate way.  My human-ness wants me to do do do everything to find Him, to get back to where I was, to earn His attention. But when He demands that my SIN move so I can see Him through it, I am reminded that He has not left, that He is SO faithful, He is with me constantly, and that He loves me so so well, even when I'm blinded by distractions and busyness and when I ignore the simplicity and necessity of resting in Him.  I am reminded of how much He misses me back, how much He is in love with me.  Oh, how He loves us...


Read Matthew 11:25-30
Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


I am so, so tired of trying to DO and figure out how to control my life and my circumstances.  I try to become more mature, more wise, when really I want to be the child God reveals His heart to in verse 25. I find comfort and encouragement that what God has hidden from me, is out of His desire to grow my faith and trust in Him; it is out of His sovereign grace and His promise to work all things together for my good and His glory...they are the same.  


In The Ragamuffin Gospel (read it!), Brennan Manning writes about Luke 7 where Mary Magdalene comes to Him in beautiful surrender...

His eyes called out to her: Mary, come to Me.  Come now!  Don't wait until you get your act cleaned up and your head on straight.  Don't delay until you rescue your reputation, until you're free of pride and lust, of jealousy, and self-hatred.  Come to Me now in your brokenness and sinfulness.  Come now, with all your fears and insecurities.  I will love you just the way you are--just the way you are, not the way you think you should be.

So, I will come to Him as He calls me every second of my day... Alex, come to Me.  Come now.  I will die to myself and rely on His overflowing Spirit to wash over me in grace and rest and renewal.


You can have all this world, but give me Jesus...