Auflosung (Dissolution)- Franz Schubert, Janet Baker, Soprano

I have no focus, no motivation, no urgency.  Exams? Eh, they'll come and they'll go.  Papers?  Eh, I'll write 'em whenever.  It's aggravating how little I care about anything right now.  Even spending time with friends; I feel secluded and distant from those beautiful gifts God has given me.  It also makes me sad.  I am obviously not dying to myself, certainly not taking up my cross.  I have not been relying on Christ to fulfill me, to overflow me with energy and grace to live in and out, I've been relying on myself.  A huge way I see it is in my singing; my voice is just tired! Not that it never gets tired, but I just don't want to speak, don't want to laugh, and am tired of singing so much! I want to just be quiet and sing with Jesus for a little bit. Alone. Psalm 46:10.  


It's okay! I know it will get better, He is my hope! He is teaching me through these challenges, my apathy.  He is sovereign, in total control.  He is growing me; I want Him to love me like I am a mature 20-year-old, but I'm not.  He has to hold my hand and be extremely patient with me for everything.  For that I am thankful. I am so grateful to be loved by the God who will wait for me, but who also pushes me.  All that you ask, your grace will provide.  I believe that with all of my heart.  
It's amazing to me- I can be so stagnant and pitiful, yet He is so alive in me!  Christ in you, a dear friend always reminds me.  He brought an opportunity to tell the Truth and the goodness of the Gospel to one of my dearest friends yesterday.  Thank goodness that it is not up to me! Thank you Jesus for being perfect! Nothing good is me, only Christ Jesus in my tired, useless, empty body.  But my weakness is an invitation for Him to be glorified (2Cor.12:9) I pray to be dependent on Him every second of every day, for Him to rule in my heart.


Okay, so I realize this is not your typical song to post, considering that the majority of society does not listen to 19th century work by Franz Schubert, although we all should because he is brilliant, but this raw, honest, Goethe poem set to music speaks to me.  Jesus consoles me through these passionate and frustrated words, He loves me through the powerful chords progression and the fact that this piece is tough.  Leave me, World; the sun may warm my body, but only His arms wrapped around me gives me joy and power in Christ!  Beauty is in Him who died for me, in God who is love.  Leave me be with my Savior, my Beloved.


Tomorrow is my singing final exam,  I pray that they ask for this piece. I want to sing it for God.


Auflosung- Franz Schubert (youtube)

Hide youself, Sun,

For the glowing warmth of joy

Scorches my body;

Be dumb, Music,

Beauty of Spring, begone!

And leave me alone.

Yet gushing from every corner of

My Soul springs lovely Powers

That entwines me with

Heavenly singing;

Go by world, disturb me no longer

The sweet ethereal choirs

Give Me Jesus- Sara Watkins

Give Me Jesus-Sara Watkins   (click on the little side bar on the bottom left, then press play)


I have felt pretty dry lately.  Nothing too dramatic, just worn out- no sleep, no exceptional time with friends, and most importantly no time with Jesus.  You know when you miss something you love, like the mashed potatoes your grandma cooks, or your best friend when they're on vacation without you, or your boyfriend when you're not together anymore, or your family at home two hours away when you just want to stay in on a Friday night?  That's a little sliver of how I miss Jesus. In kind of a sad, very desperate way.  My human-ness wants me to do do do everything to find Him, to get back to where I was, to earn His attention. But when He demands that my SIN move so I can see Him through it, I am reminded that He has not left, that He is SO faithful, He is with me constantly, and that He loves me so so well, even when I'm blinded by distractions and busyness and when I ignore the simplicity and necessity of resting in Him.  I am reminded of how much He misses me back, how much He is in love with me.  Oh, how He loves us...


Read Matthew 11:25-30
Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


I am so, so tired of trying to DO and figure out how to control my life and my circumstances.  I try to become more mature, more wise, when really I want to be the child God reveals His heart to in verse 25. I find comfort and encouragement that what God has hidden from me, is out of His desire to grow my faith and trust in Him; it is out of His sovereign grace and His promise to work all things together for my good and His glory...they are the same.  


In The Ragamuffin Gospel (read it!), Brennan Manning writes about Luke 7 where Mary Magdalene comes to Him in beautiful surrender...

His eyes called out to her: Mary, come to Me.  Come now!  Don't wait until you get your act cleaned up and your head on straight.  Don't delay until you rescue your reputation, until you're free of pride and lust, of jealousy, and self-hatred.  Come to Me now in your brokenness and sinfulness.  Come now, with all your fears and insecurities.  I will love you just the way you are--just the way you are, not the way you think you should be.

So, I will come to Him as He calls me every second of my day... Alex, come to Me.  Come now.  I will die to myself and rely on His overflowing Spirit to wash over me in grace and rest and renewal.


You can have all this world, but give me Jesus...

The Ballad of Love and Hate- The Avett Brothers

This week there has been a battle between love and hate in my heart.  The Lord is teaching me so much about His grace and how to fight for it.  How my choices come directly from the motives of my heart and do not go unnoticed by people around me.  One of my favorite things to do is dissect lyrics- this is music therapy to me. Music and words are such a graceful gift from our Father and I love finding Him in songs that seemingly have nothing to do with God.  Oh, but they do...all of them do.

The Ballad of Love and Hate- The Avett Brothers (Youtube)

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great 
and I can't wait to see you again. 

Jesus is love, I am hate.  By nature, we are full of sin.  Because of this sin in my heart, I have a very hard time loving people without Christ propelling and encouraging me with His constant reminders of how much He loves me first. Love misses His beloved when I go on vacation.  And I do, we all do. Short or long vacations where I think I can have control over my circumstances and "escape" His relentless love. But He cannot wait to see me again. This week I went on a little vacation without Jesus. The funny part is that when I go on these vacations, they are really not relaxing and stressless like a vacation is meant to be.  I was worrisome, self-seeking, and simply hateful towards certain people. It was sad.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Oh, the things we do and say to "protect" ourselves from getting hurt.  We throw away His love letters to us all the time because we are too blind and scared to believe that the Creator of this universe could actually be our Heavenly Lover. I tell myself, "I can run my life. My schedule, my relationships, my salvation, all of it." And I discard His death on the cross, His grace-filled love for me, at the harmful risk of protecting my control.  I say "whatever" to peace.

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

When was the last time you asked Jesus to give you the grace to look through His eyes?  How much more beautiful are the sparkly blue ripples running through the sea, how much more majestic are the mountains from below in the valley, how much more captivating are the sweet brothers and sisters we are graced with and knowing that they're all made in glorification of our Father? And more, that He has created all those things for His beloved...

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Pride...

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars. 
Lazily killing the last of a jar 
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride, 
cause he might never see her again.

This verse makes me think of the world of a young person, the world that I live in every day.  The desperation my generation has for a Savior, for love.  They get glimpses of Him, but we mess up the message of the Gospel and close our hearts to His grace. It's so sad that people think that Jesus will leave them "at the end of the ride." That after the taxi ride's over, after they've worn themselves out trying to be good enough for His grace, He will leave and they will never see Him again.  The verse in Isaiah (40:30) says " Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." I watch myself grow weak and so concerned with my failures, how immature I am, that I forget about the second part of the verse. That He is my source of strength and rest.  It makes me really sad to see my generation putting their hope in everything but the Lord. I'm glad the song goes on, the end of the song is real.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55, 
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm your's and that's it, forever."

Wow. After everything I have done, everything I do, and everything I will do that should make God not love me, He asks, "What for?"  He sees me so clearly, so spotless, so worthy of His love because of Jesus in me.  I see God's heart in this verse.  I see His gentle humor.  I am the one who goes on vacations, not He. He is ALWAYS with me, forever pursuing me, eternally loving me. So, with a wink, He humors me and says "I should not have been gone for so long," just to lighten my guilty heart. I am His beloved, His Agapitos.

You're mine and that's it, forever.

You Have My Attention- Copeland

I am not good at running, but I love it.  I used to just abhor it until I went to college and realized what a stress reliever it is; it calms and focuses my mind while working and pushing my body.  I think running is a spiritual thing.  It shows me so much about my walk with Jesus Christ and it's one of the most sensible analogies to me.  Just think about running... demanding and tiresome are the strides it takes to make it up that hill, but each step is invigorating, refreshing, renewing; much like my life with Christ.  I think a lot of people think that when they first come to believe Jesus is their Savior, they have to be perfect; they think they magically have endurance to last forever and will never grow tired or frustrated.  In short, that is just not true! We're human and we're simply unable to do anything of value without His grace.  His standards are high, His love is endless, and His grace provides all that we need, all that He asks of us.  He gently encourages me through every day He gives me, every step of my run.

When you run you're supposed to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth for the best lung endurance and heart-rate consistency.  This is super hard for me to do, I always want to breathe through my mouth just because it's easier and more natural. But God gives me the grace to take in Jesus with every inhalation through my nose, and I can feel Him giving my body and my spirit glorious energy. He pushes me through hills and past any thresholds my human control wants to give up on.  And what's  more, it's okay if I walk.  He is with me whether I am sitting, walking, running, or sprinting!

God gives me grace through music, especially when I'm running.  He sings of His love for me and that alone propels me throughout my day.  I struggle a lot with wanting attention and recognition from other people; it's apart of my SIN- to desire affirmation from anyone but Christ, and I hate it.  Lately I have been pondering what it looks like to focus trying to do things to get attention from the Lord instead of those around me (guys, friends, family, guys, teachers, and, did I mention guys?).  A very dear friend told me this: "Maybe it's not trying to get attention from Him, but realizing the attention He has already been giving you; given you since before you were born.  You have His undivided, loving attention...all of it, all the time." Shooot! Tell me that's not beautiful!  The Creator of this world and everything in it has been giving me His full attention since the beginning of time, and here I am trying to gain it with good grades and nice gestures and whatever other silly things!  That was profound to me...His grace amazes and surprises me. 

This song, by Copeland, is my song for this post.  It's coincidentally called "You Have My Attention."  As I ran today, this song played and I got to lose myself for just a little bit in His attention, His grace, as He sang to me, "Alex, beloved, you have my attention, like you've had all the while."

Give an ear --->  You Have My Attention- Copeland (Youtube)