I have no focus, no motivation, no urgency. Exams? Eh, they'll come and they'll go. Papers? Eh, I'll write 'em whenever. It's aggravating how little I care about anything right now. Even spending time with friends; I feel secluded and distant from those beautiful gifts God has given me. It also makes me sad. I am obviously not dying to myself, certainly not taking up my cross. I have not been relying on Christ to fulfill me, to overflow me with energy and grace to live in and out, I've been relying on myself. A huge way I see it is in my singing; my voice is just tired! Not that it never gets tired, but I just don't want to speak, don't want to laugh, and am tired of singing so much! I want to just be quiet and sing with Jesus for a little bit. Alone. Psalm 46:10.
It's okay! I know it will get better, He is my hope! He is teaching me through these challenges, my apathy. He is sovereign, in total control. He is growing me; I want Him to love me like I am a mature 20-year-old, but I'm not. He has to hold my hand and be extremely patient with me for everything. For that I am thankful. I am so grateful to be loved by the God who will wait for me, but who also pushes me. All that you ask, your grace will provide. I believe that with all of my heart.
It's amazing to me- I can be so stagnant and pitiful, yet He is so alive in me! Christ in you, a dear friend always reminds me. He brought an opportunity to tell the Truth and the goodness of the Gospel to one of my dearest friends yesterday. Thank goodness that it is not up to me! Thank you Jesus for being perfect! Nothing good is me, only Christ Jesus in my tired, useless, empty body. But my weakness is an invitation for Him to be glorified (2Cor.12:9) I pray to be dependent on Him every second of every day, for Him to rule in my heart.
Okay, so I realize this is not your typical song to post, considering that the majority of society does not listen to 19th century work by Franz Schubert, although we all should because he is brilliant, but this raw, honest, Goethe poem set to music speaks to me. Jesus consoles me through these passionate and frustrated words, He loves me through the powerful chords progression and the fact that this piece is tough. Leave me, World; the sun may warm my body, but only His arms wrapped around me gives me joy and power in Christ! Beauty is in Him who died for me, in God who is love. Leave me be with my Savior, my Beloved.
Tomorrow is my singing final exam, I pray that they ask for this piece. I want to sing it for God.
Auflosung- Franz Schubert (youtube)
Hide youself, Sun,
For the glowing warmth of joy
Scorches my body;
Be dumb, Music,
Beauty of Spring, begone!
And leave me alone.
Yet gushing from every corner of
My Soul springs lovely Powers
That entwines me with
Heavenly singing;
Go by world, disturb me no longer
The sweet ethereal choirs
