Paradise- Coldplay

Paradise- Coldplay (youtube)


I am done with this semester, and I just drove home to #sweetsweetchesapeake.  I have never done this before: I listened to the same song on repeat for the whole ride home (two hours)! Kinda weird, I know...but ScottyBug and I were jammin!  This song is that good though.  I danced in my living room to it last night, can't contain myself when I hear it! I'm ridiculous =D  But seriously, I love this song because it is so Real.  I can't help thinking about Jesus when I hear it, I am literally filled with joy.  It makes me think of the first half of 2 Corinthians 5, Our Heavenly Dwelling--

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  Meanwhile we groan, longing to  be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.  For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.  Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I  love the end...what is to come.  What we chosen ones have to look forward to is Paradise, forever with our Lord Jesus.  I can't think of this without smiling, without longing for it in my soul.  The beauty of dreaming about paradise is that we may also know that it starts now, with our relationship with Christ.  What grace that we are not only promised this joy, but can know even a taste of it now, every second of every day we can be awake in the Holy Spirit, to have life to the full, both now and forevermore!

I went to lunches at Conley today, and when I left right after to go home to Chesapeake I missed it. I missed the people, the sweet sweet girls I have gotten to know, and especially the ones I hardly know. I am sad to leave them for three weeks.  It has blessed me so much this semester to share glimpses of Paradise with these girls--whether just sitting at lunch with them once or twice a week, or crying with them, or laughing hysterically together, and faithfully through our Bible study every week.  I want nothing more than to encourage them to chase Paradise--not because it's going to be unimaginably wonderful (which it will be), with no more drama, no more tears, no more divorce, no more pressure to be someone you're not, no more lies, no more heartbreak, none of that...but because Jesus will be everything, the only thing.

This song reminds me of my girls.  They make me smile and bring me so much joy.  But I hate the things they go through.  I hated it in high school, and I hate it in a different way now watching these girls I love so much wander to find out who they are, what they are about, and the heart ache that comes along with that.  It's good and necessary, but so painful.  Instead of dreaming about their boyfriends/ex-boyfriends who suck, or the new pair of Uggs that they have to have, or what they're going to do that weekend, I want to encourage them to dream of Paradise and to know the joy that is only found there, in Christ!  Oh Lord, please set Paradise, our Lover and Savior, your Son Jesus, in our hearts and minds and deep in our souls!

Psalm 27: 4  One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of Yahweh and to seek Him in His temple.

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash

Stone by Stone- Scott Cash (youtube)

Two weekends ago Pitt County went to Windy Gap for our fall weekend.  It was unreal.  The beautiful valley that holds Windy Gap was bursting with color and hope.  I was nervous; I had never taken girls to camp that I already knew and somewhat had relationships with.  I felt like I was going on a first date with someone I really liked...a strange reference, I know.  But here these girls have been coming to Bible study every week, I was beginning the scratch the surface of who they are, what they're going through, what they're desires are and then to see their excitement for camp, I was just anxious!  My hopes were so high, I prayed and prayed and prayed constantly the week before.  I prayed that the Lord would show them their brokenness, their desperate need for His saving grace, for them to be Real with me and each other, for them to experience the joy that only He is able to bring, for them to realize that only He can fill that place inside of us that we are always trying to fill.  My hope was in the Lord, I knew I would not be put to shame (Romans 5:3) Oh goodness, the Lord is so faithful.

Twelve junior girls from Conley came, most of them I knew well, others I hardly knew at all.  I cannot say how life-giving it was to lead them that weekend, to see their hearts and to see Christ working in their lives.  We heard Jesus' Gospel together, we saw Truth together, we froze playing field games together (it snowed!!), we danced and sang at club together, we ate famous YL camp food together, we laughed (a lot!) together, we cried and were Real together, we were even silent together, literally speechless at Jesus' grace on the cross.  Together.  I shared my testimony with them, the story of how my empty, broken life has been redeemed and I have been given a new heart by our Creator.  Our stories cross in so many ways.  We all knew that the Lord did that on purpose.  It's funny how I went there to lead them and speak life into them and this and that, but I have never been so affirmed in my life.  For these sweet girls to explain how they see Christ in me was the most life-giving thing. I could go on and on...I absolutely fell in love with these girls that weekend.  And so much more in love with Christ.

Conley Country...knock outs (our teeth I mean)

Oh goodness I love this girl

Wesley, Taylor, Jordan, Emily, Linsay, Allie, Lucy, Katelyn, Molly, Lydia, Kristin, and Alex

Let's do this, I love you girls

Sweet Conley family, old and new

I know that the grace and the freedom we found that weekend was one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received, all from our Lord Jesus who loves us.  My prayer is that we continue to live life together here in Greenville, I pray that they're hearts are drawn to Jesus through His Word, through each other, through church, through me.  I try to be authentic and genuine with them, I try to cast vision for them, I pray for them, I do things with them, I talk to them, I think about them.  But the most humbling and freeing thing I realized at camp was that they are His, not mine.  I can be the best leader ever, but all my efforts are in vain if Jesus did not die on the cross for His children and if He does not call them Himself.  My hope and my energy is found in that, in His sovereignty, in the hopes that they would not rely on me or themselves or anyone else, only Him.  I pray that they go to Him to uncover their new hearts...stone by stone.

Grateful for Your Love- Ellie Holcomb

Listen to Grateful for Your Love at ellieholcomb.com it's just great.

This semester is in full swing! Lots of studying, friends, Young Life =)  I am not so stressed this year, which is such a blessing. I do not have too too much to write about, which may or may not be a reflection of my life right now.  I have had no time to just sit and listen to music or explore new stuff so I have not wanted to write just for the heck of it.  When I do sit and listen to music, it has been opera =)  But I have wanted to write about this song since it came out a few weeks ago.  So much is going on all the time; classes, living with three other girls now, falling in LOVE with girls from Conley High, Pirate football, vocal healing, new books (it's going to take me a year to get through Desiring God haha), fall, weddings...oh so much!

I think I am learning a lot, and have not even really realized it until now.  I think the Lord is teaching me what it means to really find life in Him, to really know Him. I am convinced that you cannot know Jesus without falling madly, desperately, whole-heartedly in love with Him. He has been faithful to me in giving me the sweetest desire just to be His.  And the Word! Oh, I am falling in love with Jesus, the Word made flesh, Emmanuel (God among us).  We have the words of life in our hands, how dare I not completely give myself to them, to seek Christ in each uttered word He speaks? Lately whenever I read the Word or about it or meditate on scripture my heart starts racing.  I have never been so keenly aware of how sacred God's words are... He spoke our entirety into being, He made His thoughts, words, his very self into a man and made His dwelling among us.  To think that the gift we have in His Word is anything less than glorious grace is just foolish!  To think that we are entitled to it, or to take His laws for granted is sin.

Psalm 119
v. 81- My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your Word.
v. 96- To all perfection I see a limit, but your commands are boundless.
v. 105- Your Word is a lamp to my feet, a light unto my path.
v. 111- Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart.

My prayer is that I do everything in my power, with the Holy Spirit in me, to foster and discipline my mind and thoughts to always fall more in love, in more reliance on scripture.  I pray that it abides in me, that I do nothing on my own, only out of fear of without God, total self-abandonment to Him.

If My Words Abide in You- John Piper  This sermon changed me.  (Thanks for tweeting it Jim)

So I am grateful. So, so grateful for His love, for His Word made flesh, in Christ and (my hope) in me as well.


Love is an ocean, hope is a promise
Light is overtaking, grace is overwhelming.

You chase our sin to the dark and Lord we're grateful, oh we're grateful.
You capture our hearts with your love, oh Lord you're faithful, you are faithful
Nothing that we've ever done was too much for you to handle on the cross
We're grateful for you love

Weight is lifted, mercy tore the curtain
Sin is no master, freedom calls our name!

Life is granted, chains have been broken...

You chase our sin to the dark and Lord we're grateful, oh we're grateful.

You captured our hearts with your love, oh Lord you're faithful, you are faithful

Nothing that we've ever done was too much for you to handle on the cross

We're grateful for your love!

Pilot Me- Josh Garrells

Listen Here: Pilot Me by Josh Garrels, youtube

The summer is almost over, (very) sadly enough.  It is difficult to imagine how I have been so blessed, but then again, we serve the God who is Love...so it's not that hard to imagine.  Bullets on this summer:

• Summer Staff- sweet Windy Gap and all the amazing brothers and sisters we served with there!
• Rockbridge with Chesapeake YL- so blessed to know and love those girls!
• Sheville- our community is changing...we are all growing together still, sharing in the heart of Jesus
• Voice- found out that I have vocal nodes (callouses on my vocal chords), was not allowed to talk for a week in hopes of healing them, do not know what this year will look like but I am growing in this challenge of trusting the Lord!
• Josh and Ally's wedding- oh my goodness...what a BEAUTIFUL picture of the Gospel, a celebration of Christ in Josh and Ally with our closest friends and family, thank you for letting me be apart of that wonderful weekend 
• Maine vacation with my family- who knew the Braham family was so adventurous! Rock climbing, flying in open-cockpit airplanes, white water rafting, mountain biking, and lots of hiking made for an exhausting and super fun week!  Thanks mom, dad, and Austin =) 

                      

eno nap? heck yes

     

                                                 

So blessed by and grateful for this family

I wrote about this song in my journal on the day that we went flying in the old-fashioned airplanes...pilot me, so appropriate ;)  It is my prayer and my heart's desire...to be led! to be His! to trust Him alone! Oh Lord, pilot me more, please.

I will arise and follow you over

                              Savior please, pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow

Savior please, pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow

Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on over the seas, 

Savior pilot me

Oh Lord... 

This summer has brought about much more uncertainty than I had planned...who plans on or likes being uncertain?  Nonetheless, I am being stretched and even demanded to rely on Him who sends the uncertainty.  How unnatural it feels to trust the One who sends "ambiguity," but that is the grace in it...having faith that His unknown (to me) plans are more beneficial to me and to His kingdom brings me more joy and peace than I can ever produce myself!  I want to and must TRUST that He is wholly for me, that He is sovereign and holy and can do nothing but glorify Himself, not at the cost of our joy or the good of others, but for and through them!  The desire to be led by His Spirit and His Word is alive and compelling me to trust His lead...

Psalm 119:32- I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free!                 v. 35- Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight.   

 Galatians 5:18- But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. 

I guess the point is that God is sovereign- He is wholly good and wholly just, He has control and the grace to love us through that control.  With this gift, through Christ, is life! Fullness! Joy! Freedom! Abandon to the world, including myself, my selfish desires, my dry regard for His people.  There is literally no need or point in worrying, we are set in eternity; His glory is already marked by our faith and how He has chosen to grow and use us.

I love this song because it doesn't make sense.  To the World, the text and all its implications are not the most uppity or compelling- it says that we cannot do it ourselves, we need something/Someone to lead us, and that Something won't even save us from suffering.  However, to those of us blessed ones who are in this life to know and fall more in love with Christ, it can be a freeing proclamation of His sovereignty and that He is trustworthy and good enough to lead us.  The light-heartedness of the flutes, head-voice, and ukuleles, et cetera, describes that precious peace we have when we are in trusting Him.  Manning says in Ruthless Trust that God enjoys and cherishes our love, but may even long for our trust: to say, "I love you" is not as risky and bold as saying, "I trust you."

We went to my sweet Nana and Papa's house earlier this summer, it was a very special visit.  My Nana loves keepsakes, she loves pieces of our family's history, and she loves people, particularly our family.  She has kept years and years of letters, poems, gifts, any little thing that shows someone's heart.  She showed me a scrapbook full of these treasures.  I loved hearing about my family, but mostly I love seeing  Nana's heart for people, I love tearing up with Nana.  We stumbled on this poem that her grandma wrote; it has seemingly become a little mantra in my heart, something I hold very dear:

Myself: By Ida Virginia Royster, "Gaga"

I keep myself serene and calm, I will not let anything alarm. 

My inner peace, my self-control, assured that Christ is the Captain of my soul. 

Lord, for today my desire is to love you by trusting you, for you alone are good, you are holy, and you are worthy of all of me.  Whatever tomorrow holds, whatever your plans for my school look like, wherever you have me sing, whoever you have me love, Jesus, won't you lead me? Savior, please pilot me!

The Transfiguration- David Crowder Band (Sufjan Stevens: Seven Swans Reimagined)

There's no point in trying to explain why I haven't blogged in the last two months, but I have been so busy that I haven't even had time to listen to music and therefore had no specific song to write about. I still don't, so I'm picking one that I've always wanted to post.  I think the awe and wonder it invokes, both about the content and the music, describes this summer so far. The Transfiguration- David Crowder Band.  You should just get up and dance to this song; at least just imagine and think about the GLORY of Christ's transfiguration in Matthew 17.

Summer started with the re-realization of how much God loves Chesapeake.  Every time I come home I am reminded how much we are loved and admired and blessed through our community. Sheville  (our girl time once a week where we share our hearts and what we are experiencing with the Lord) has grown and made our love and trust in each other stronger but more importantly it pushes us each to rely on the Lord more, give ourselves to Him more, and we can really pray with and for each other.  I guess to people who have never known this kind of intense friendship it may seem strange, dull, or not even possible, but this is real! This is full life which we are created to live in, with each other, spurring one another on toward love (God Himself- 1 John 4:16) and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).

So a few weeks of just hanging out and then six of us from Chesapeake went to Windy Gap for summer staff! The three weeks we were there were...I don't know, I can't pick a word. Life-giving. I was the "craft girl" and what a sweet blessing that was.  I got to see and experience the Lord transform kids' hearts throughout each week, they told me about their lives as I just helped them make bracelets and put feathers and beads in their hair. The whole time I questioned God, "Why me? There is no way that I have done anything to deserve this kind of fullness and joy," which I still believe is true.  But after you step back and realize that Christ in you is attractive and people are drawn to Him in you, the pressure and the questioning just turn to holy resignation, a deep peace and confidence in the Lord's goodness and life in yourself.  And then there is the freedom we have to actually tell people what is different about us- Christ in you! All three weeks I got unique opportunities to tell everyone that through my words, but mostly my actions.  One of the sweetest opportunities was, of course, through music. 

How faithful He continues to be in loving me and loving others through my music.  Andrew Ripp was the "special music" artist for our session.  Long story short, I was blessed to be able to sing one of his songs with him during club and for his concert once a week.  The song is beautiful, it's one of those that gets stuck in your head every time you hear it.  It talks about the pain in waiting to be completely immersed in Christ's love, learning how to live in that freedom, and embracing our "chosenness," as Henri Nouwen calls it. It's called "In the Shallow" you can watch a video HERE (thanks Meesh!)  It was incredibly humbling, and encouraging at the same time, to be apart of something so powerful as Andrew's music.  It was a much anticipated challenge learning how to give God the glory in each "performance."  I experienced freedom from it being a performance, and solely giving it to God in worship, to use for His glory, not my own.  That has been my prayer since I began performing and it was sweet to see the Lord honor that prayer.

Gosh, I learned so much at summer staff.  I really wrestled to explore His goodness and sovereignty, my insecurities and fears, pride, and knowing my worth in Christ.  I was loved so well; not boasting in myself because I do not deserve the kind of love I received, but it was Christ in others loving and feeding Christ in myself.  I was continually encouraged by the girls in our "real talks" and working, crying, hysterically laughing together, and praying for and affirming each other.  I was also so blessed and encouraged to see guys who love the Lord love and respect me as their sister in Christ; nothing more, nothing less.  That was huge for me.  By His grace alone, the confidence and freedom I have in who I am (the Beloved daughter/sister/bride/ambassador of Christ) has finally begun to transform me. I was just loved so well. Thank you.  Christ in others, loving Christ in me, loving Christ in others. How can we find life in anything else?

Sorry I'm not done.  Psalm 51 was the most faithful scripture to me during summer staff.  It is the Psalm that David wrote after he slept with Bathsheba- it was in his raw suffering that these beautiful words came to life.  Oddly enough, the most significant aspect I took away from the Psalm is hope and joy.  Verse 8 says, "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice." One of Young Life's staple songs is Amazing Love, in which the last line is "It's my joy to honor you. In all I do, I honor you." I have a vision of this cycle in my head that displays my joy, which comes only from honoring Him and in turn, I must honor Him to know true joy.  I hope that makes some sort of sense. Trusting Him to gracefully, yet authoritatively, break my bones (the things on which I rely that are not Jesus) and then rejoicing in that? That sounds ludicrous, but that is the kind of suffering Jesus brings healing and power through (Philippians 3:10) and I learned that embracing that is life-giving.  Living to honor Him is joy, joy in my brokenness, and that my joy from honoring Him is healing.

I also was blessed to take kids from Chesapeake to Rockbridge last week. What an unexpected blessing it was. It was very last minute and this year I was a little more hesitant to say yes.  I had no time to pray about it or for the girls I would be leading and I was just stressed.  I read the story of the Rich Young Ruler in Mark 10 and it came alive to me.  This man had everything the world and our flesh says we need- money, authority, and a good reputation.  In a lot of ways I feel like a rich young ruler- I have everything set up for success, I have friends, family, money, etc.  Verse 21 says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him," not because he had "kept all the commandments" or because he was rich and in good standing with the world, but because He missed him and wanted to show him that He could give him true, full, real life! Then it says Jesus told him he had everything but was missing one thing.  I have never known what that one thing was until last week- TRUST, self-abandon! He says He is "the way, the Truth, and the life," (John 14:6) but if we don't trust Him, how would we know that?  I realized that I needed to trust Him with the week, that changed everything for me.  The camp trip was still incredibly difficult, but the more I trusted Him to give me words, to give me energy, to give me love and strength, the more life I found in Him.  Kids from Chesapeake met Christ and have begun to explore His love for each of them...it was a good week! He is faithful.

I am praying to live in the awe of His glory every day, that His transfiguration is made new in me each morning.  His love for us is fresh!  Summer is a beautiful time, especially here in #sweetsweetchesapeake.

Poison and Wine- The Civil Wars

Poison and Wine- The Civil Wars (youtube)

I don't really know where or how to begin this post...relationships.  They're everywhere.  I even venture to say that they are everything.  They can be so sweet, and so cruel; so full of life, and they can also suck the life right out of you; rich wine, or debilitating poison.  They are powerful and the Lord intended them to be that way.  I feel like I am in such a unique place right now. I am in the middle of so many different relationships: marriages, break-ups, "talking,"friendships, engagements, etc.  But recently I have come to realize that there are only two types of relationships.  Just two, people:  You are either in a relationship that is constantly growing and seeking Christ as the center of it, or you're not.  I have seen and experienced both, even in the last few days... real poison and wine. You may decide for yourself which is which...

My relationship with the Lord has been so different the past couple weeks.  During finals and the last weeks of school I was completely distracted, simply could not muster up the courage to put aside my to-do list and sit at His feet.  I missed Him desperately.  It was painful and frustrating knowing that both He and I were hurting because of the worldly distractions, but I trusted that redemption and change would soon come.  As soon as I got to #sweetsweetchesapeake, everything was different.  My time looks different, my friends and community are different, my struggles are different.  He has shown me His faithfulness and pursued me so sweetly through my amazing friends and family.  I have had intense, real, hard conversations with people I absolutely love and pray for, people I am so thankful for I could just burst!  Those relationships have brought me life and challenged me in new ways and brought me to the place where I am now.  I am in a heavy place.  The Holy Spirit is growing my fear of the Lord.  But I think it is more a fear of without the Lord.  My relationship with the Lord is different and is still and ever-changing; it's going there...that place I will not and cannot let anyone else in.  That place that I hide away because I've been hurt, because I see people I love who hurt and cannot heal without repentance and His sweet redemption.  Gosh, so often I get stuck there.  I hurt and have hurt others.  But in all my "movie-making" and fleshy desires I have hurt the One who loves me most.  Psalm 25 talks about this deep, loving relationship we have with our Creator.

To you, oh Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, oh my God.  The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes His covenant know to them.  Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

The Father of all things trusts and confides in me?  Because He loves me?  He cares enough about me and my fears and insecurities and loneliness to turn to me and embrace me with grace. 1Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you!

This song is about a lot of things, there are so many beautiful parallels in it, not to mention it is just a gorgeous song!  "Bravery" is not a word we use very often.  I find myself using "boldness" and "courage" more so than bravery, a beautiful combination of pride and courage.  This song is about bravery in relationships.  Bravery to be honest and vulnerable, to strip it of all the pre-conceived thoughts and assumptions and to not give up on love.  Obviously the song is about pain and hurt in relationships too; expecting something and not getting it, longing for fulfillment when we know (or may not know) that we are not even capable of giving that to each other.  "I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back, the less I give the more I get back."  Geeze that pain is so real.  But so is the Lord's pursuit.  He is the only one who will not leave me lonely, He does hold me when I turn my back, and He loves me too much to give anything less than His best, even in response to my ignorance and lack of passion for Him.  He trusts me and makes His marriage covenant real in my life, even though I betray His trust and seek affection and attention from a guy who fails to love me even close to the way the Lord does.  Jesus, I am so sorry.  You are better, you are enough.  I am sorry that we let such a special gift from you distance us from you.  But thank you for redemption, thank you for the sweet conversations an relationships that show us your love and grace.  Give us the courage to be brave in fighting for those, and repelling the others; to relinquish the poison, and drink only of your wine.

I'm in Need- Mike Hale

Mike Hale- I'm in Need (scroll down the song list to find it)


Last weekend was a dream.  Believe me, I day-dreamed about it for months in excited anticipation for the amazing fellowship we have at home in Chesapeake.  I couldn't wait.  Eight months ago we found out our Young Life leader Libby (read her blog here!) had lymphoma.  There we were, we had no idea what to do or think or say...Libby had cancer.  So we prayed...and prayed...and prayed.  Libby endured 12 rounds of chemo and by February she was cancer free! We rejoiced (you can scroll down and read the post- "Thy Mercy My God") and still we prayed and prayed and thanked the Lord.  That's what this weekend was about. All of my dearest friends came home from college to praise the Lord for healing Libby, who we love so much, and who has beautifully shown us how to fellowship with Christ in both suffering and in joy.  


This weekend was needed, it was hard at times, it was joyful, it was life-giving.  But for me, it was about NEED; my insanely desperate need and longing for The Savior and the life He wants for me.  I need Him, and Him alone. This weekend I realized how often I try to do it on my own, and how stubborn I am that I cannot humble myself and embrace my need for Jesus.  School, Young Life, church, singing, singing at church, friends, eating, playing- I do not know how I think I can do everything and not need anything or anyone to guide me or at least help me. But it's so much bigger and deeper than that.  Without Jesus as the propelling force of every single action, the work I do is nothing.  It means nothing.  It means unnecessarily wasted energy that I cannot afford to give to anything else than Jesus, because everything else is exhausting.  And that's where I am right now...I'm exhausted and longing for Jesus, especially because this weekend was so sweet and I just want to live in heaven singing and dancing and talking and  loving our Creator with the beautiful friends He has given me.


The Lord really used Libby to make my need for Him real this weekend.  As we all sat on the floor in the upper room of the River house on Saturday morning, we listened to her share her heart.  She said, through tears, "I mean, I don't wish cancer on anyone...but I kinda do. I want each of you to rely on Him that much and fall that much more in love with Him.  You know how we always say how we find our identities in Christ? I don't think we know the seriousness of that until we are stripped of everything else that we find fulfillment in.  Cancer did that for me." I can't really put together words to do it justice what Libby has meant to me and so many others.  She has shown me what it looks like to embrace our need and weaknesses with the courage that only the Lord can provide and fulfill, and I want nothing more than to do that; to live in my need for Christ. I was brought to tears so many times this weekend (which is unlike me) because I was painfully aware of how much I need Jesus.  I need Him to give me energy, to heal my heart that breaks so easily, to sustain my joy in Him, to use me, to fulfill me. 


This verse in Malachi (4:2) has given me hope and solace.

But for those of you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.  And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.

I have seen a fair amount of sunrises this year with driving back to Greenville on Sunday mornings, and the Lord shows His faithfulness to me in them.  He meets me in the quietness of the  rising sun and the gentle hum of Scotty's wheel's directing me to where I am supposed to be.  After a weekend of hustle and bustle and tears and laughter I was finally alone with my Beloved.  I need Him, and that's not something I need to fear or shy away from.  He's not another guy who will disappoint me or a friend who will let me down. He is all I need, He will never fail me or forsake me.  This picture is the sunrise on Sunday morning.  The sky literally had wings, and through them I was healed.  I don't even really know what part of my heart was healed, but I was free of something.  I can leap for joy like a newborn calf who has been released from the stall of bondage and SIN, into a fresh new life.

 Libby is healed, we are rejoicing! "IT IS FINISHED."
Thank you Libby, Katherine, Leslie, KB, Ally, Queeny, Becca, Shannon, Jess, Sarah, Ariel, KH, AllyMc, and the guys for making this weekend so special. I cannot tell you what a blessing each of you are in my life and how thankful I am to know that we will spend eternity falling more in love with Christ together as one body of Chesapeake. 
Starting NOW!
I love you guys.

Set a Fire- Will Reagan and United Pursuit

So I went to La Romana, Dominican Republic last week for Spring Break.  It was my first "mission trip." Classes and “every day life” have quickly forced me back to reality, but I pray that what the Lord taught me in La Romana changes what my every day life looks like.  Being that He is a limitlessly loving and BIG God, the Lord did amazing things within our team and the community there, as well as in my own heart.

"You are here, I am too" -Artist, God

Each day began with personal time with Jesus, then breakfast and group devotion.  Some days we worked on the church (it is just about done after 7 years and 40 missions teams from Covenant Church!) and the mission house for future mission teams to stay in; but mostly we spent time with the people of Barrio George, the local neighborhood we stayed in.  We went to different poverty-stricken villages and it was all very surreal to see that people actually live in tin shed huts with no shoes or clean water, but I can say that it was not hard to see the Lord working miracles and changing hearts of the people living in these communities. 

Alejandra, Suleyca, Ruth, and Zahira- my sweet girls!

Although language was indeed a barrier, the Lord was so faithful in showing us that He is big enough to strip communication down to simple love; no words or flowery conversations were necessary.  But He did help my Spanish a ton, and I actually got to build sweet relationships with a handful of 10-11 year-old girls!  They knew “Jesus loves me” in English and I learned “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord” in Spanish, so we sang them together walking through the barrio =)

As a culture, the people were just so loving and excited to have us there.  Children would swarm us every time we walked out of our rooms.  They were just so eager to love and be loved- a beautiful picture of a community that loves the Lord. One of the sweetest memories I have is of the first time we saw them worship in the church on the first night.  There was such joy and freedom in how they danced and sang.  The point in the service they were most joyful was during the offering…woah.  What a beautiful picture of the story in Mark 12 of the woman who had nothing to give the Lord but her heart, her everything.  The people in this community knew that the faith God has given them rules over their circumstances, and they live each day in simple gratitude for what He has given them.  Thanks to our area director's wife who has been to La Romana multiple times, they now have a growing Vida Joven (Young Life) ministry in La Romana! What a blessing to be able to share in that and encourage the leaders.  We even got to have our own Club night which was received so well. We did a couple skits, including the Doctor's Office and Lifehouse skits. 

Pamela, another great leader in Vida Joven

Andrea, a VJ leader in La Romana

They run on “island/Hispanic time” in the DR, meaning that everything happens whenever it happens; there is no time constraints or pressure.  They are so much more focused on RELATIONSHIPS rather than “doing” and getting things done!   Yes, we went to finish building a church, but that was more an excuse to go there and just love these people; they were not worried about the church getting done, so much as they just wanted to be with us.  What an extreme difference from our American culture, and how cool it is to be able to live and grow in that and to bring some of that back to the States.  From now on, when people talk about mission trips I would like to ask, “What did the Lord do/ how did you see Him?” not “What did you do?”

Our team was amazing, we grew so much in love and fellowship.
I am so thankful for you and excited to LIVE in G-Vegas with you.

I think the most profound thing the Lord showed me was that He is the same God I am in love with here as in the DR.  He showed me that my life as a Christ follower is a mission tool for Him no matter where I am and I am called to love each person with the same prayerful dedication and active care whether they are American or Dominican, young or old, Christian or not.  I am committed to searching for Jesus wherever I am; looking for him in a child's sweet smile, in the joyfulness of fellowship, in the beauty of spring blossoming, in people who are looking everywhere but in Christ for fulfillment, at East Carolina University, in Chesapeake, in the DR...literally wherever I am.  I want to be awake and aware of Him and how He is loving me and spurring me to love 

others right where I am, because He is always with me, and NOW is all we have.

Once again, He loved me SO faithfully through music in the DR.  I got to experience worship like I never have before...reckless abandon kind of worship, just singing psalms and prayers out loud to Him.  I think Jesus wanted to take me to the DR to learn more about having confidence in using music to worship Him.  Now more than ever, I know I am meant to praise Him with singing...I mean my heart is beginning to pound right now.  Passion.  I cannot describe this blessing, I can only respond to His grace and love through it and encourage others to join.  We sang this song all week and it just flowed out of us.  

 "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, that I can't control! I want more of you, God. I want more of you, God. There's no place I would rather be than here in your love, here in your love."

Set a Fire- Will Reagan and United Pursuit (youtube)

Thy Mercy My God- Sandra McCracken

Aright, this is a big deal.  I am writing about my absolute favorite, most repeated (126 count on my iTunes so far, not including car and ipod time), most cherished song in the world.  I have been saving this song for the best time to write about it, and I think this month is it.  It's an old hymn covered by the wonderful Sandra McCracken.  Say 'McCracken' out loud like you mean it, it's fun.


It's hard to put into words how much Jesus loves me through this song.  The verses are of His heart, they plea and beg for His grace, still with confidence and faith knowing that He will provide abounding mercy and love.  I think I especially love this song because it is constant, it doesn't change.  It's strophic, meaning that the words of the verses change but the music just repeats.  So often I fall into a dangerous routine, and think I can just live my life on autopilot in self-seeking laziness, but when I ask God to give me the grace to be alive and awake to His heart and the opportunities to share His love, then I can hear every word of praise and the song/my life is refreshed.  I am humbled and renewed by the sweet melody and freeing poetry to God every time I hear this song; I am compelled to listen to it in times of suffering and in times of joy. I love that. Plus it has like the best banjo part EVER.  I love that too.


When I think about God's mercy, I think of my life before Christ.  It was painful, full of desperate attempts at finding fulfillment in anything and everything but God.  I think of the deep depression that robbed me of my joy and motivation in 8th grade and again Senior year.  I think of when I cared about what everyone thought of me and being a slave to getting affirmation from guys and from my friends, based on who I knew or what I did, not who I was, or further yet, who Christ redeems me to be.  But my poor, pitiful little life was so carefully constructed by His grace to bring me to this FREEDOM that I know now as His love.  His mercy has changed my life, even in the past year, even in the past hour.  Sin almost "reduced me to utter despair, but through His free goodness my Spirit's revived and He who first made me still keeps me ALIVE!"  


This song is new in my heart from so many different angles and perspectives.  My dear friend Libby (read her blog here!) has had cancer for the last 7 months and has gone through countless doctors apps, 12 chemo therapy treatments, and has humbly praised our Father who loves her the entire way.  Since Friday, she is free!  This song was playing when I found out.  Before Friday, I had never "wept for the praise of the mercy I've found." Libby is well, her cancer is gone, God is so good to us!


Psalm 86:12-13 I will praise you, Oh Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.


Thank you, sweet Jesus.


Thy Mercy, My God (youtube)

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue;
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Has won my affection, and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here,
Sin would reduce me to utter despair;
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,
And weep for the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

Great Father of mercy, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son;
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

Hallelujah...!

Live Forever- Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Drew and Ellie are sometimes very hard to listen to.  Especially right now.  They just love each other sooooo much; I feel like I need to guard my heart when I listen to "Hung the Moon" and "Magnolia Tree" haha. In all honesty, it's a very real dream of mine to make music with my husband one day.  Not that I'm concerned with getting married right now, I'm obviously not, but I just need to keep my wishful thinking in check when I listen to them.  But my best friend posted this song on my wall today and I love it (thanks Kate); she knows my heart and she knows how I work.  Sometimes she doesn't have the words to say to make me feel better, which is okay, but she always points me to Christ and shows me how much she cares in a really special way, and for that I am truly grateful.  

We went to West Point together this past weekend to visit our best friend Brian; we got to fly together, and roam Grand Central Station together, and were treated like princesses together.  It was what we needed.  We got our nails done in NYC and it was literally the best mani/pedi we've ever gotten (thank you to the sweet nail ladies who served us so well haha) and Brian and our great new friend Chris just made the weekend so special.  I don't remember the last time I laughed so much; we talked about Jesus together, we ate together, we were the "awkward" foursome together, we found rest together.  The whole weekend was just a gift, I'll cherish it for a long, long time.  Thank you to Brian and Chris for taking us into your strange and beautiful world and making us feel welcomed and safe and loved.

On a random note, fear has a much stronger grip on me than I thought.  Whenever people talk about fear, I think, "You're afraid, it's scary, and that is valid.  But God isn't scared.  He is in control, and He is good."  I constantly have to tell myself that.  Not once was Jesus fearful.  Jesus wept (John 11:35) but he was never scared.  Imagine having so much trust in our Father that we didn't even know what fear was.  I want to live in that.  Psalm 56:3 Fearless trust. 

My favorite line in this song is, "Some say faith is a childish game, well play on, children, like it's Christmas day!"

Live Forever-Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors

Roslyn- Bon Iver

Well, last semester's exams are over (a 3.94, literally His grace!) Christmas has come and gone, I have officially become a world traveler "cultured" in the ways of the world outside of America, and now classes have started for the Spring 2011 semester! Woah!  I have been so so blessed. Really. And so much has been going on in my head and my heart! 

Just a little bit about my trip to London and Paris-- first of all THANK YOU to my parents for giving me that opportunity so willingly, and my sweet cousin Dennisse! She took me and her friend Michelle all through Europe and was a wonderful guide and planner.  The time spent there was truly a gift!  I think the highlights of the trip were seeing My Fair Lady (in English! yay!) in Paris, going to the Royal Opera House in London (we saw Cinderella, the ballet) and visiting the Cathedrals (Notre Dame, Sacre Coeur, Westminster Abbey, St. Paul).  The shows were simply wonderful; there was such life, such poise and timelessness in both the performances as well as the beautiful venues.  They were so encouraging and exciting to be apart of.  The walls lining the ROH were filled with memories of the great singers in action, even their extravagant costumes!  I could not help but stand in amazement at the gift of their music and the art they created.  Then I thought to myself, "This was all by His grace! The unforgettable beauty these people "created" was not theirs, but from our sweet God." I am encouraged. I love the gift of voice and passion He gave me, I long to glorify Him with it. 

Speaking of glorifying Him...the cathedrals were astounding.  Walking inside the Sacre Coeur, atop Montmartre overlooking the entire city of Paris, I was overwhelmed, even to tears! Yes, it was that beautiful, that intimate, that ornate.  Can you imagine designing something with enough intricate detail to take 200 years to complete?  Can you imagine feeling so strongly about something, being THAT much in love? I pray that we all realize that Christ is that serious, that glorious, that worthy.  He deserves so much more than I can ever relay or repay or even imagine.

He has enthralled my soul with wonder.  His mystery is baffling me and I love it.  There are so many questions I want Him to answer, so many unknowns. Why is music theory so hard? Why are boys so complicated? Why do I never feel like I'm good enough?  Why do I have such amazing friends? Why do Libby and Mimi have cancer? Why do I know and love Him, but some never will?  I don't know.  You can give me answers to all of those questions, and I may get prideful and think I know their answers sometimes too, but who am I to know?  Who am I to be able to comprehend why there are devastating hurricanes, children who don't have shoes or food, trillions of perfectly placed stars in the sky, or beautiful flowers to grow and behold?  I am not designed to understand or have control over or even be comfortable with His grace and love for me. I do not know the answer to those questions. But I do know that He is to be TRUSTED, and He is to be adored, loved, and glorified.

In Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust, it talks about how holy the mystery of God is.  How attractive and alluring this kabod Yahweh is, and how we, graced ragamuffin children of God, are designed and demanded to praise Him (Psalm 81:4) by trusting Him.  Manning tells a short story about how he had "expostulated so brilliantly on the mystery of God that after one semester, there was no mystery left." He heard an old friar say, "The older I get, the less I understand about God."  It's not an attempt at modesty, nor shallowness, nor dumbness, but sincere trust in His saving grace and loving pursuit of His Agapitos, His Beloveds.

In short, by no particular lyrics or notable attributes, this song makes me feel that.  I can taste the mystery of my Savior in this shadowy blend of odd chords and words.  It was to this song on repeat during the bus ride to London Heathrow Airport on the last day of my trip to Europe that I watched the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen .  The sky freely contained every color possible with masses of dark clouds hovering in front of it; the ground was shimmering with frost on the still green pastures of farmland laden with hungry sheep and trees whose silhouettes against the flames in the sky displayed divine mystery.  My heart literally ached. I was the only person who was awake, present to the beauty.  "This is for you, Al! This is real, this is my love for you! Trust me, come to me!"  I read the late Henry Nouwen's Life of the Beloved in the beginning of the trip, in which it said this: "That Truth will set you free to receive the beauty of nature and culture in gratitude, as a sign of your Belovedness."  That is what I hear through this song, it's what I learned on an adventure far away.

Roslyn- Bon Iver and St. Vincent (Youtube)

p.s. I unfortunately lost my camera in a French airport and therefore have no pictures of the trip.  After much bitterness and sulking and tears, I realized that I could not take my camera (formerly named Adam, after Ansel Adams) nor its pictures to Heaven with me, nor should I care to. So... Sorry!