Lights- Ellie Goulding

Lights (Acoustic)- Ellie Goulding

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks now, and I'd been brewing up a blog about it.  Finally as I sit down to write it and look up the song on youtube I find THIS...oh my goodness, I love it even more!  I like her, she's got some soul.  And she's a little awkward, which I like too.  In the vast, ever growing realm of good music, this is just beautiful to me in a very unique way.  Here are the words:

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine It when I'm alone

Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still be there
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone

Home

I am writing this post mostly for myself, because this battle is one that I struggle with so often.  I want to be able to come back to read this and be reminded of the Light that keeps me awake, alive, full.  I am tempted all the time to listen to my flesh and the world around me, "Don't care, don't hunger, don't love- it might cost you something...it's easier to just not be awake, to go through the motions of living without investing, risking, seeking."  I hate those days, I call them Zombie Days, where I'm just moving to get through the day.  I can't see past myself, all I see are my failures, how unlovable I am, the world around me moves in slow motion and I get sucked into thinking the world slowly and painfully revolves around ME.  Oh, I pray so hard against Zombie Days, against apathy and disinterest in Life.  

Watch the video a couple times; I've noticed a few different things each time.  I think my favorite part starts at 2:11; she looks up with this frustrated tension in her face and body, as if she were screaming it, fighting being thankful to Whoever for "showing the light, keeping her from stone, calling her home."  It's humbling to be woken up; usually not pleasant.  But it's good and necessary to enter into our daily life, our Life in Christ as well.  How often I find myself selfishly falling asleep (like the disciples in the Garden multiple times), but my desire is to be awake to the Light.  

Psalm 89:15 Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, oh Lord.

How could I ever choose to not live in this blessing?  Do I really still choose to acclaim myself over the Sovereign Lord? Oh Lord, forgive me, awake my soul to your constant presence, the goodness and warmth of your Light!

Colossians 1:10-14 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.  For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

I think the song is a clear reflection of that, and so accurately describes me: I was once the queen of my life, but, by His amazing grace, I have been overthrown and lovingly brought into His kingdom, the kingdom of Redemption and Life.  I try all the time to muster up the strength I need to push me, instead I just end up filling myself with dumb worldly ethics and lies.  His Spirit is the One who gives me strength and propels me to live, persevere, and joyfully give thanks for the good AND the bad, which He created with the same tender care and purpose (Eccl.7:14).  When I fall into thinking that I'm alone, the only one who struggles, the only one who doesn't feel good enough, the only one who misses anyone, He so faithfully shows me His light.  He shines it on Himself, and I am humbled and joyfully in awe of Him and His Word.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  He is faithful to His promises.  I am so grateful for the Light that calls me home.  My home is in His arms, along with my brothers and sisters, along with Jesus, our Beloved Christ.

Embrace the Light, Al.  Be awake to His grace that is today.  Dare to love people at the highest costs, be in awe of the creative expressions of His goodness around you, forgive yourself and your enemies. It is Real and worth everything.  It is His gift to you, His Beloved.

Beloved- Derek Webb

Unfortunately this song is nowhere to be found online for you to listen to...so you'll just have to buy it! Buy the whole album while you're at it, it's top notch.

I remember the first time I heard this song.  It was on the bus coming back from Windy Gap after my junior year of high school.  I was coming back to Chesapeake a new person with a new heart from my freshly realized Savior.  Eric said I had to listen to this and sing it.  I fell in love with it- the lyrics, the passion and depth in the music.  The opening chord always makes my heart skip a little beat.

Beloved, these are dangerous times because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine, and the wind has blown you all over town because there is nothing holding you to the ground. So now you would rather be a slave again than free from the law? 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me... 

Beloved, these are perilous days when your culture is so set in it’s ways that you will listen to salesmen and thieves preaching other than the truth you’ve received.

Because they are telling lies for they cannot circumcise your hearts. 

Beloved, listen to me, don’t believe all that you see. And don’t you ever let anyone tell you that there’s anything that you need but me...

Beloved there is nothing more; no more blessings and no more rewards than the treasure of my body and blood given freely to all daughters and sons.

This is my go-to song.  More often then not, when I feel empty and alone and exhausted on life, I go to scripture, prayer, and then this song.  I've been there a lot in the past few months.  Looking back on April and May, I think that was the most I have ever been stretched.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  Recital, exams, weakness, traveling, Mimi passing away, waiting, new job, decisions, discipleship, break up.  Seeing it listed like that is humbling...the wind has indeed blown me all over town.  And I do not think it's nearly over...only a fresh starting point.  A tense one, yes, but nothing less than a new opportunity to live into and further discover the God who loves me and is infinitely rich in grace.  I genuinely, sadly wonder how people do it without Jesus.  Life, I suppose. I will give mine to letting people know that they don't have to...also that they can't.


I read a letter Libby wrote to new mothers for Mother's Day and have been captivated and so refreshed by this one line: "...do not miss the joy in being pressed to the core of who you are."  The core of who I am...do I really want to know?  We all are fairly good at living in that facade that we so carefully manicure so that everyone will think we're fine and everything is good and dandy.  No one buys it anyway.  I am no different, on either end.  The masking or the seeing right through it, I shamefully do both.  I am prideful, weak, stubborn, and selfish inside; until I remember...although my flesh might drive some of those attributes and attitudes, that is not who I am anymore.  My core is both who I am and whose I am.  I am the Beloved daughter of the Creator and Sustainer and Propeller of all things for His glory and my good.  Gosh, it feels good when I just let that sink in for a minute.  

Colossians 3:4  When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.

That is the only reason there is any joy in being pressed.  Because at my core, by grace, there is glory.  Not because of anything right or wrong I do, but because "I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine," and I believe that all that He asks, His grace will provide.  Still.  Is it hard to get out of bed? Yes.  Is it exhausting trying to do everything and love everyone? Yes.  Do I fail? YES.  But I refuse to miss that joy or the hope I have in the One who loves me and lives in me, who meets me where I am and walks through the valleys and the mountain tops propelling me and encouraging me to be awake and know the joy and suffering with Him.  "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed," because of the Cross and because the Holy Spirit is in us and because we have a Father who loves us enough to grow us and discipline us as His beloved children.  


This song is life-giving.  It so sweetly strips everything down to what matters, let's us see our distractions and what we give ourselves to.  Either Jesus or everything else.  It gently but sternly brings to mind the thieves and salesmen that we attempt to buy joy from, and the fact that we act like we are under the Law when really we are under grace, the Law of Freedom.  The last stanza is the best.  To people who do not believe on Jesus, it sounds like a let down.  "The body and blood of Jesus? But I want wealth and health and life."  But to those whose hearts have been gracefully transformed by the Gospel, it is the most freeing and life-giving treasure we can know.  In the midst of struggling and suffering, joy and laughter, do I cherish Him?  Do I acknowledge Him Lord of my life, sovereign over the good and the bad?  Do I live into my Chosenness (as Nouwen calls it) and give thanks in all circumstances?  I long for this sanctification, the further knowledge of the purity which has already been washed over me in the blood of Christ.  He gives and He takes away, He does whatever pleases Him, everything is by Him, through Him, and for  Him...and He loves us.  Beloved, listen to me...

To Be Alone with You- Sufjan Stevens

To be Alone with You- Sufjan, youtube

This song has been on my list to write a post on for a long time.  It's time...I'm excited.  As usual, everything has been crazy this semester.  Lot's of changes, new things to get used to, and now it's almost over.  This is the official first mention of Chris on the blog...so that's exciting ;)  He is wonderful. As we know, he is not the first "Chris" I have dated, but he is the first one to actually embody his name- "Christ bearer," and that changes everything.  Our relationship has been an outlet the Lord has used so significantly to teach me and humble me the last few months, and in the midst of getting to know Chris and who he is and figuring out long distance, etc, I have just fallen so much more in love with Jesus.  There is such sweet grace and redemption Chris and my relationship, and we are learning what this gift is we have been given.  Neither of us deserve this grace, but we are working to honor and love the Lord in every aspect we can, mostly separately, but together too.  It's strange to be led so well, and to be cared for and sought after.  It's refreshing and life-giving. So thank you, Chris.

The past week or so has been especially humbling, a lot of extremes.  I have been so confused and so heart broken over people I love, over my inability to control everything around me, especially the future, over my sin and how it affects my attitude and how I seek Jesus, over my past and how it effects Chris and my relationship...there's so much to consider, and somehow last week was when the Lord wanted to address it all.  Within all this confrontation and learning, I have wept (finally a good cry or two, I need those) and had anxious butterflies, but also have had inexplicable joy and freedom.  Out of struggling and suffering, I have been graced to fellowship ever so sweetly with Jesus and have been molded by Him a little more.  And that is where my joy comes from, that is what gives me life and motivation and courage.  I love His discipline and am grateful that He loves me as His daughter, He wants to see me grow and mature and persevere.  

He's taught me so much about trusting Him--not only will everything be fine in the end, His glory and my good will be achieved, but in the very middle of what is going on, we have the grace to trust Him and be with Him IN it.  And to face adversity with bravery that comes from that trust.  I am learning to not run away from my sin or make little laws for myself to avoid the discomfort of mastering my sin, but instead, getting to know it and how it plays itself out in me, that I may more gracefully and adamantly sacrifice it.  How can we leave our burdens at the cross if we act like we have control of them, or act like they're not there?  How can we make much of Jesus and His sufficient work if we keep attempting to do the work ourselves (and failing quite miserably, nonetheless)?  He must increase, I must decrease, that's all I want.

So this song.  I mean it's just Real.  In my busyness and desire to be with Him but refusal to put aside this world, He gently brings me to my knees, to the foot of the Cross, to be alone with me.  There is so much more joy to be had, so much more depth in His love than I dare to find out myself.  But He is giving me courage to seek it, to actually believe in His promises and expectantly await His faithfulness.  I absolutely do not deserve His love, and selfishly I sometimes resent the fact that He gave everything for me because I don't feel like I'm worth it, but I trust Him and I believe Him when He shows me how valuable I am to Him.  What sweet grace.

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson

Can't Help Falling in Love- Ingrid Michaelson (youtube)

This song has been stuck in my head the last few days.  It is so pure.  I love it, I love to sing it in my car.  It has grown this deep contentment and gladness in my heart for a certain love.  In the past, I would generally associate this song with a boyfriend or whoever, but it is not that anymore.  I used to give my whole life for those relationships, the ones that ate me alive and were so exhausting and never filling.  Now there is the sweetest redemption; the only One I will ever say 'take my whole life' to is Christ.  I smile typing that.  I love that He is my whole life (Colossians 3:4), that He has my heart and is shaping my thoughts, my personality, and my actions to fall more in love with Him, and to even draw others to know love with Him.  What amazing grace!  When I read the Word and see Him work everywhere around me and in me, I can't help falling in love with Him.  I love that it is nothing in me, nothing that I have done, am doing, or ever will do.  My eyes have been infinitely blessed (Luke 10:23).  'Wise men say only fools rush in,' but I cannot help but give my whole self to Him, anything less would be unloving...hateful. 'Like a river runs surely to the sea, darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be,' so perfectly speaks of His sovereignty and how He has chosen us.  It was set before I ever even realized I was empty and dead in my sin, that I would be His for eternity and freely given grace and love through His son (Ephesians 1:4-6).  There is so much going on in my life, but that's all I want to say right now.  I am just full of joy in falling in love with Jesus.