Stay Gold- First Aid kit

Stay Gold- First Aid Kit (#3)


It's time to start writing again, I miss it.  My first year out of college has challenged me in ways I never knew were possible and I think I am finally humbled enough to own the fact that I do not have it all together, I have thousands more questions than I did a year ago, and I have struggled more with myself and Jesus this year than I maybe ever have.  After all, a very wise friend does call it "The Dark Year." I have found myself reflecting on this past year and realizing a lot of my sin. Gosh, He has really proved Himself though…when I have been very faithless, He has remained faithful, patient, and loving.  Brendan and I are moving across the country to San Francisco in August, and this process is forcing us to rely on Him to lead us and provide for us in deep, vulnerable ways.  Sometimes my teeth are clenched and I'm debilitated by anxiety, and sometimes I am confident and aware of His promises- it kind of depends on the week, or even the day. Haha I used to think I was so strong and steady...funny.

Brendan and I have been listening to First Aid Kit's new album pretty much on repeat for a few weeks now, and this song is one of our favorites.  I have found a lot of freedom in it. The questions are real, the music is honest.

The sun shone high those few summer days
Left us in a soft, wide-eyed haze
It shone like gold
It shone like gold

But just as the moon it shines straight
So dawn goes down today
No gold can stay
No gold can stay

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

We're on our way through rugged land
Top of that mountain we wanted to stand
With hearts of gold
With hearts of gold

But there is only forward, no other way
Tomorrow was your hope at the end of the day
And gold turns gray
And gold turns gray

What if our hard work ends in despair?
What if the road won't take me there?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
What if to love and be loved's not enough?
What if I fall and can't bear to get up?
Oh, I wish, for once, we could stay gold
We could stay gold

I am scared of questions. I admire people who are humble enough to ask questions and be hungry to learn something new; my pride prefers to always know the answers rather than ask the questions- it's an ugly characteristic.  I think that is changing though.  I am learning the hard way that questions are important and necessary in life- they keep us moving and hoping, they save us from boredom, protect us from pride.  Especially in this season of life- after four years of busyness and adventures in college, navigating engagement and new marriage, learning how hard it is to be away from friends, applying for jobs and figuring out how to move across the country and contemplating all the uncertainties of our future...all I have are questions.  "What if our hard work ends in despair? What if the road won't take me there?"  I know I'm not the first person to ask these questions and I know people who's hard work has indeed led them to despair and the roads they've taken have not taken them to their goal destination.  It's painful and so confusing trying to listen for the answers to these questions.  They most often lead to more questions…deep, core shaking questions about who God is:

Are you really, truly good?

Do you really, truly keep your promises?

Am I really, truly your child whom you love and are pleased with?

Do you really, truly have the best plan?

Are you sure you don't need my help figuring this one out?…Can I really, truly trust You?

2 Corinthians 1:19-22 

For the son of God, Jesus Christ…is not Yes and No, but in him it is always Yes.  For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.  That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.  And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.

I have found that my only hope is God's faithfulness to his promises…the answer to all of those scary questions is YES. He is always good, always faithful, always pleased with us, always purposeful, and always worthy of our trust.  Even if we don't get the jobs we want or if we do, even if we are poor or have tons of money, even if we are alone or have friends close by.  I have only been alive for 23 years and am just at the tip of the ice burg for experiencing adventure, heart ache, tragedy, and joy.  But I have gone through enough to know that to love and be loved by my Abba IS enough, and that every single time I have fallen, whether a little trip or a sky scraper toppling, He has gotten me up. Even after a life changing fall, it's not the end.  He keeps moving us to redemption.

And there really is no other way but forward- through the hazy, blue Appalachians and the rigid, snow capped Rockies where we'll get to see beautiful views and enjoy the cool breeze at their peaks and look around and know that we are small and that the world is calm and beautiful.  And through the valleys of the flat, boring MidWest where life seems joyless and mundane.  And through the storms, the pelting rain when we can't see but two feet in front of us and can't hear anything outside of our own fear, and have no choice but to brace ourselves and keep going.  We have to move forward, through the easy and the hard terrains, through all the changing seasons.  I am learning that change is good for us, a gift from God, used by Him to pull us into Himself.  He's a God who never changes, completely contrasting the chaotic world around us.  Experiencing His constance through my ever-changing situations, emotions, and experiences even just this year is making me fall that much more in love with Him, so I am grateful for change.

Jesus is pretty blunt with us about what to expect in this world…trouble, heartache, confusion, frustration (John 16:33, 14:27).  But He is also very honest about the fact that we can trust Him.  He has overcome the world, so why should we fear anything people or circumstances in this life can do to us (Luke 12:4-7)? Not only has He made all of our fear of the world obsolete, but He also promises us full life, joy and peace with Him in the next (John 10:10, Romans 8)!  So, no matter what fear I am stuck in, what confusion holds me back, whatever happens in this life, I will cling to His promises and trust Him when He says that He will never leave me or forsake me.  There is more than enough grace for now in what we are promised for later.  We will shine like gold with Him forever, we will stay gold!